Last Friday I was pondering an opportunity with a job that was posted at a nearby college. I jotted down some cryptic notes that day for my reflection here. I was grateful for the time a colleague (known on this blog as 'Make It Happen') made for me in his schedule to help process the opportunity. I've been on the higher ed jobs website for almost two years now and get weekly emails with jobs in the area. Since I didn't have a job when we decided to move to Blacksburg, and then I was in interim positions our first year, I just let the notices keep coming each Sunday. Last week when I saw this Director position come across at a small college campus my interest piqued and instead of deleting the email I actually clicked on it to read more.
If you know anything about my interest in working in Student Affairs, you know that my ideal school to work at is a small liberal arts college. If you know my husband, you know that I've been part of a dual search that has landed us at two large land grant institutions. There have been sacrifices, but I've truly been blessed by unique roles that fill my bucket in other ways. Most draining or frustrating moments I notice line up with an internal rub for me of the big state school way of how things function and that this small school girl will never change. But more days and moments I get to work out of areas of strength for me and build relationships with colleagues in a very invested (not just political) way.
So as Make It Happen and I talked about the recent successes of International Street Fair and some exciting realignments that are happening in the Division it did feel a bit disconnected to transition into 'so I saw this job opportunity.' I asked him to ask me a few good questions that would help me process whether or not I should apply, and he did. So I've been pondering for the last week what is my primary motivator in wanting to potentially step into that position. You'd think this would be easy to answer, but see I'm weeks deep into this reflection journey and not easily pacified with a surface answer. So I've been chewing on it more. One of the reactive statements I said that day in our conversation was that I was worried if I did not move back into a small school now, I was not confident I could make the move when we are job searching next, post J's PhD. As I said it then, I realized that it was not a flippant remark, but a real window of truth into my raw feelings.
I am afraid.
I want a job now because I feel more confident today in my connections with this opportunity to pave the way than trusting the endless what-if possibilities that I cannot name of the future.
I'm trying to hold in tension my trust in God who has always provided with my acknowledgment that we've also been given a brain that I think we should use our abilities to make things happen. So as I rest in that tension, for me this decision of applying or not applying is being determined because I do not want to make decisions out of fear. I could falsely label it as 'strategic' but that's not being honest with myself. I am afraid that if I don't move now I won't get where I want to be later. That feels a bit ugly to write, but boy am I glad to reflect on that now and not later.
I'm staying put with my Hokie community. This week has given me many reminders of why this is a great place to remain.
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