Day 14: Miscarriage

As I am almost halfway through the month I am realizing that this Journey to 30 is both healthy and challenging. I really enjoy setting the space and time aside to reflect. It has been energizing for me to reflect and I find myself being more mindful during the days while I'm doing what I'm doing. The pondering I like, the sharing I find infinitely more challenging to do. I don't know that it is a fear of judgment, or just a general fear of vulnerability with an unknown outcome of response. But since I've inched out to the deep, I figure why not swim all the way under, right?

For the past couple of months we've been talking about growing our family and considering a timeline of Jonathan's program and what point it would allow for the capacity for me to not feel like a single parent (no bueno with a newborn). He has comprehensive exams in late August and just one class left in the fall so we felt like this was a good marker that past this point our family life might feel more flexible. So in January we removed the goalie (tmi?). When we found out we were pregnant with Heath we had only been trying for one month. So this go-round I was trying to prepare myself that this was atypical and most couples try for at least 6 months to a year. Well February came and we found out we were pregnant. We were pretty ecstatic and also pretty un-humble in believing we've got this whole getting pregnant thing in the bag. 2/2 is a pretty great record, not that people keep score, or maybe we secretly do.

I started checking some books out from the library about healthy pregnancy and gentle birthing- getting myself psyched for the marathon ahead. I wanted to tell everyone I saw, but didn't. We had told people about Heath pretty soon, definitely first trimester still. I'm not sure why this was different, but decided to wait on it and enjoyed having news that was just for us right then. We got connected with a wonderful midwife out of Roanoke and began a relationship that proved essential.

At about 7 weeks I started bleeding. Nothing crazy, but it felt wrong because I'd never experienced bleeding with Heath. I called our midwife and we walked through possibilities and options of responses. I felt most comfortable with not intervening since I was not very far along and it seemed like more tests/scans would not be ideal for the exposing of ultrasound technology. So I made the choice to wait and trust. I resigned that I could do nothing and be mentally challenged as my mind raced with possibilities, or I could have interventions to have a possibility of diagnosis, but likely nothing that wouldn't be revealed over time. So I wrestled with a lot of anxiety during that time which turned out to be about two and a half weeks. I had a lot of questions for myself about things I could have done different and researching possibilities that all said there was nothing I was doing or had done wrong. Aside from the anxiety, I physically felt ok. I didn't have any painful cramping and I took that as a good sign; though my conversations with our midwife did include that any bleeding in first trimester could be a threat of miscarriage.

Then the bleeding stopped and I thought this was a great sign. I felt good. A little tired, a little achy and the week after a little queasy, but good. So I went to Orlando for NASPA as planned. I felt confident at that time that we were still pregnant, but just waiting two more weeks to share the news. So I missed out on drinks with friends- for all those wondering why I was ordering the rounds of Shirley Temples :). I came home and we had our first official prenatal appointment with our midwife. It was a really wonderful meeting time of talking about the experience thus far and establishing our relationship of care and what preferences we had. And then we tried to find a heartbeat.

I knew going into the appointment that with an estimated 11 weeks it was not a guarantee that we'd be able to hear a heartbeat at that point. So I was bummed, but didn't feel disheartened. J sure did though. We tried a new battery for the doppler, tried a few new positions for me, but still no heartbeat. Our midwife asked me when the last time I'd taken a pregnancy test was- a few weeks had passed. (I mean once you take it, why take it again right?) We decided it may be a good idea before I do the lab work sheet that she'd given me to first take another test at home and we can go from there. We set another appointment for two weeks later when the estimated growth of the baby would be far enough along to likely hear a heartbeat. I told J not to worry- that I'd been feeling achy and queasy and knew that I was pregnant, just wait for my morning pee to show it.

Well it didn't.

I went to the store and bought a second test, you know in case the first one that read not pregnant was a dud. It wasn't. I had two negative pregnancy tests looking back at me and I was just in disbelief. Where were all these other pregnancy cues coming from if I'm not pregnant anymore? Am I crazy in the head making stuff up? (A later talk with our midwife helped to affirm that I am not and hormones were still processing through in my body) I was sad that we were no longer going to have a baby in late October, that Heath calling his stuffed lemur Baby Sister was not an omen, sad that I was so confident and told J not to worry because I thought I knew my body, but I was wrong.

It was a Saturday morning and I was so grateful to not have any obligations for the weekend- aside from being a parent to an active toddler- I could sit and grieve. To add insult, I caught some kind of stomach bug that afternoon that took me out of commission. In some ways a physical pain that hit my body gave me permission to cry and feel the hurt. This sucks. One of the panelists at the NASPA presentation that got me reflecting had shared about their miscarriage(s) and he said something like 'it was the first time in our life that we didn't get our way. Up until then life had been a blessing and felt relatively easy.' That's been circling around in my head. It was easy. Getting pregnant was about me and something I did.

When I talked with my counselor the next week he asked me how my faith supports these kind of experiences, or does it? I said, you mean the question of why do bad things happen to good people? Ya, I've thought about that one and it's not the first time I've had to ask or answer it. I don't know why. I believe that God wants to be with us in it though. I don't think God causes bad things to happen, but that God wants people to run towards him for a grieving partner. I've seen situations worked out over time and used for good- whether it is to encourage someone else in a similar situation or for a greater personal trust.learning.faith. I think at nearly 30, this is the first time in my life that I've defaulted to such a response as quickly as I have- not out of denial for my grief, but out of a trust in a greater provider than myself.

I know miscarriage affects many couples and families and I am learning that it physically feels different for everyone and is emotionally experienced differently as well. I share my story to be vulnerable in the hope that it will be beneficial to someone in addition to being reflective for me.