Day 30: The Golden Birthday

Significantly impacting my ability to process clearly is my screaming toddler who for 42 minutes now has not wanted to go to sleep. The unsweetened iced tea at dinner was clearly not a good choice for him- caffeine anyone?

I called my Oma tonight to say thank you for her birthday card that arrived on time as always. She is in the process of sorting through her house and designating items for yard sale and donation and packing as she prepares to move out in the coming months. She has lived in that same house for over fifty years. My dad and uncle grew up there in addition to her four now grown grandchildren. Oma was reflecting on how challenging the process has been and emotionally taxing as so many memories come up. But she said after she takes a break the Lord is good to remind her that they are just things and the memories don't have to go away with them, it is just stuff.

I've appreciated that this past month of reflections has allowed me the opportunity to be more present. By taking time aside (usually in the evenings) to think on the day and questions or experiences of my past I have found myself to be entirely more in tune during the day to the things the matter more- not the stuff, not the things, but the people and the purposes. April has certainly been a full month and if anything compared to other months my calendar has actually been more filled in, but it hasn't felt rushed or too busy. Through being reflective I find that I am more mindful of how I am present in the moments during the day.

An hour and 24 minutes now of non-sleeping, mostly screaming Heath. Joy. 

One of the healthy things about setting aside reflection time is that I realize how I've allowed my introvert bucket to be filled. As a mom and partner, I don't often prioritize my personal time in the weekly calendar. But I know that I operate at a better capacity when I've set pockets of alone time for myself to rebuild energy that is deposited throughout a day around others.

A challenge I've found in this Journey to 30 blogging is being authentic in matching vulnerability online with in person community. I appreciate the affirmation that has been shared about being courageous here and sharing honestly, but comparatively that has been the easy part. The harder challenge is being courageous and authentic when standing in front of someone and they ask how are you? or they comment I read your blog. I suppose I knew part of that challenge would exist when I committed to not just personal reflection time this month, but the risk of sharing those reflections with others. I've also seen online vulnerability give courage for others to reach out and share their stories with me through email or messages or phone calls. And that part- that has been awesome. An unexpected benefit of the journey, to feel more deeply rooted in community.

So I'm still thinking on what's next. It's April 30th after all, and my golden birthday has come. I know that this past month is absolutely worth repeating in some of the above ways that poured out as a result. Maybe the Manz Fam blog will continue with family updates but also incorporate a more truth-telling holistic lens of family, parenting and personal reflections. Guess you'll have to stay tuned to find out!

Day 28: Setting my Hope

J and I led worship at church this morning. I picked out a song set that I thought would complement the sermon on Revelations 21. We ran through stuff together on the guitar last night and with the band this morning. And then people came and service was going and into the first song Blessed be Your Name I got hit with a ton of bricks. I made it halfway through the first line of the bridge and couldn't get the words to come out.

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say,

Lord Blessed be Your Name

Wow. Wasn't expecting the flood of emotion to hit me as I felt these words exactly call out how I've felt about our miscarriage. (If you missed that read, you can go back to Day 14 here). Pregnancy was given to us, the hope of a family of four, a journey of growing new life, and then it was taken away. I've been reflective on the word 'choice' lately and acknowledging that we are always choosing what to do with our time, how we love, whether I am present or zoned into my phone. Whether I am mindful of the choice or not, I am choosing. And I want to be more mindful of my choices.

Sometimes love comes naturally, like on your wedding day or when you hold your newborn on his birth day. And sometimes (maybe more times) love is a choice, as in when you feel like a ship passing your partner in the night as your schedules reflect competing priorities or when your toddler is 28 minutes into a tantrum that doesn't show signs of ending soon. Then is when you make the choice to love, especially when you don't feel it. Choosing love is full of hope.

I was grateful for the opportunity to hear Dr. Shane Lopez speak this past week at VT on his new book Making Hope Happen. He defined hope as the combination of a belief that the future will be better than the present and that we have the ability to impact it or make it so. When we choose to trust and to love in the midst of the challenging.trying.heartbreaking moments, that is hope. I trust that our story will not end here in this grieving.

I learned a new to me song at the women's retreat this weekend (yep I went and survived and got to know some great ladies better). The words from this song replaying over and over in my head are held in support of this reflection on loss and love/trust and hope.

I will trust in You

I will remain confident in this

I will see the goodness of the LORD

We set our hope on You

We set our hope on Your Love

We set our hope on the One who is the Everlasting God

Day 25: Grown Up Girlfriends

I am in a mental battle with myself over this weekend's plans. Our church is doing a combined women's retreat with the campus side (college students) and downtown congregation (post college). When I get invited to all female things like this I revert back to high school a bit. I get anxious and fill my mind with what-if scenarios. I think I may not know anyone there. I sort out categories of people that will potentially be there that I wouldn't connect with until I am left in a category of one. There will probably be more college students than not. Most of the women in our congregation have different working schedules from me of either part time work or full time at home work. I work until 5pm and the "check in" is supposed to be 5-6 at a retreat center that is a 50 minute drive away. They said we should carpool, but I don't even know who is going. Heath has been acting up a lot lately and me leaving may cause more angst and abandon J to parent alone which I know feels overwhelming. So why am I even considering following through on my rsvp?

I enjoy being in community. I enjoy it best with the people that I know. But I can't know people if I don't risk a little and put myself in these situations opportunities. We've lived in Blacksburg for close to two years now and been part of the same church that whole time. Our family collective has good community, but I don't feel like I have any girlfriends. I was reflecting on that idea with J last month and in my venting I said I know I probably should rsvp to this women's retreat thing so I can make an actual effort towards female friendships (the kind that go outside of referring to someone as so-and-so's mommy).

I picked up a book a couple years ago called Grown Up Girlfriends. The premise was on healthy female friendships and how to get them and keep them when you are 'grown up.' I've often mentioned that life transitions have always been easiest when paired with an organized orientation experience. CA to OR- freshman Orientation, OR to TX, graduate school orientation, TX to AR- well we were newlyweds in that transition together. AR to VA has been different. Being a family of three with different roles (student and sugar mamma respectively) is not like past transitions. As a Relator I highly value getting to invest deeply in relationships, but I tend to keep a smaller circle of friends that I have poured in to. The thing is, those people don't move with me to every state I keep moving to. I have to start over. I try to tell myself I don't need new best friends, my bestie from OR is enough. But three hours time difference reminds me that regular interactions with shared new experiences are hard to come by through Skype.

So in my month journey of reflecting and being vulnerable, I'm taking another risk and following through on my rsvp to experience community with a group of ladies that may be nothing like me, and still give me a great opportunity to connect.

Day 24: I need a break

The month is nearing the end and my golden birthday is within a week now. I've taken the last couple days off from typing. Not from reflecting. So for the accountability checkers out there I guess I've met half of the goal for this journey to 30 on days 20-23 :)

The truth is after the retreat I led on Saturday I was beyond drained. Physically, mentally and emotionally I felt wiped. There are times in my life where I have experienced depression and can recognize now the oncoming symptoms and these last few days were flirting. When I see it coming on I try to get outdoors, go for walks, make to do lists and set mini goals that are accomplishable. Today felt like the first day I was making progress out of the fog. As I've been thinking what brought on this recent wave of depression I believe subconsciously I was forcing myself to hold on until my final committment of the semester. Saturday was it. My last big project/program for the spring. Yes there is still plenty on my plate to do, but the retreat was the last thing on the calendar that involved students and would impact others.

I am desiring a vacation.
I need a break.

I've not shared much publicly about my current job situation (one reason being Legal Counsel advised me not to and to save copies of any mention that I do). So I'll say in short summary that my former Director was reappointed to special projects in October this past year. This has left my colleague and I responsible for the department's operations until a search will happen (should be any day now). That's 7 months so far and likely another 3-4 before someone is able to come on. Pre-October was not an emotionally healthy environment for me. Post-October has been challenging in other ways as we navigate muddy waters with ambiguous responsibilities.

I need a break.

This spring semester has been the hardest for our family schedule with J's two evening classes. As Heath embodies the sterotype of toddler mood swings and meltdowns it requires a full tacticle team to manage some moments. Two nights a week I am doing that solo, and it is exhausting. There are three night classes left of the term and I am absolutely counting them down. This term has been the heaviest academic load for J too as he begins outlining his dissertation in one of the classes. I've been reminded many times this spring that we are in a season of our life- one that we knowingly chose- and it will pass, it is not forever.

So as the semester winds down, we are planning our break; A road trip back to Fayetteville where we can rejuvinate in our Arkansas community of friends.

Day 19: Global Ambassador Retreat

Tomorrow I will be retreating with my student leaders for next year. Our Global Ambassadors are an interesting combination of orientation leader plus... Since stepping into this role a year and a half ago I've been trying to define what that plus looks like. They are year long volunteers that are incredibly reliable and go-to students when our department is trying to pull a program off. But the description of the GA program is a student leadership development opportunity- that touts the university motto of ut prosim (that I may serve) with a global spin. Now that I've hired two year's groups and been through one academic year start to finish, I'm ready to implement some more changes.

I've really enjoyed learning. It's been a challenge of self control and managing my activator strength to not jump too quickly on making changes. Specifically working with the international population, I have learned about adapting to a more global time and let go of a very American by the clock schedule. I realized how much I have grown in this way when I sat this week to organize the logistics of tomorrow's retreat. From an outsider's perspective it may have looked like I was procrastinating a bit, or not preparing fully. But as I started to type out the agenda for the day long retreat it was more of a brain map for myself, reminder notes, with times loosely attached to the left side for only about half of the items- just general markers.

I reflected after last year's group retreat that students can be really amazing and implement great ideas (far better than mine) if I will get out of the way. I guest blogged about it here. So as I come into the retreat this year I am trying to be mindful of the ways that I don't give too much information, but allow opportunity for their creativity to come forward. I'm also sensitive to the internal processors when you gather a group of 30 that may not have the same chance to have their voice heard. So thinking of them in addition to highly valuing this month of reflection journey I'm on, I have two bookend times of reflection for the students to engage in tomorrow that I am most excited about. I plan to hold on to their written reflections and share them again with the students after our first semester is completed.

While I know my international students have specifically stretched me in this adaptable/unstructured time ways, I also believe that these are valuable skills to hold to amidst our fast paced consumer lives. The student leaders I've hired this year are a combination of domestic born, domestic raised (born abroad but immigrated with family before college) and international. It is such a great group of diverse experiences and life journeys and I'm looking forward to providing the forum for them to grow and learn from one another while also serving next year's incoming class.

Day 18: Hope-full

Each Thursday night we gather around a table to share a meal with friends from our church community. Tonight we got to host and enjoy the spring weather by eating outside on the deck. As we shared life happenings and prayer updates it felt for me an interesting tension of deeply challenging things happening in all our lives combined with a persistence of hope. In the midst of sharing the heavy things of this past week- Virginia Tech's 6th anniversary of the 4/16 tragedy, the bombings in Boston, and the shooting at our NRV Community College- most noticeably on our minds, there was also a sense of community and support- and hope.

I took this photo from our front porch on April 5th, the morning after we had ~7inches of snow drop- in April! It was just two days before Street Fair and I was encouraged to see the daffodils push through. 

 As I walked by a bus stop on campus this afternoon I saw this sign taped to a recycle bin. What an amazing note of encouragement in the midst of a heavy week. I've seen a lot of re-postings this week on Facebook of the Mr. Rogers quote- looking for the helpers in the midst of a disaster. I really resonated with my friend Katie's reflections on her blog here about this week and connections to these communities who have experienced pain.

It is so good to be reminded by nature itself in this season of spring that there is always new growth and a new day. While I slept last night the world around me continued to blossom. Hope springs eternal.

Day 17: Job Search and Fear

Last Friday I was pondering an opportunity with a job that was posted at a nearby college. I jotted down some cryptic notes that day for my reflection here. I was grateful for the time a colleague (known on this blog as 'Make It Happen') made for me in his schedule to help process the opportunity. I've been on the higher ed jobs website for almost two years now and get weekly emails with jobs in the area. Since I didn't have a job when we decided to move to Blacksburg, and then I was in interim positions our first year, I just let the notices keep coming each Sunday. Last week when I saw this Director position come across at a small college campus my interest piqued and instead of deleting the email I actually clicked on it to read more.

If you know anything about my interest in working in Student Affairs, you know that my ideal school to work at is a small liberal arts college. If you know my husband, you know that I've been part of a dual search that has landed us at two large land grant institutions. There have been sacrifices, but I've truly been blessed by unique roles that fill my bucket in other ways. Most draining or frustrating moments I notice line up with an internal rub for me of the big state school way of how things function and that this small school girl will never change. But more days and moments I get to work out of areas of strength for me and build relationships with colleagues in a very invested (not just political) way.

So as Make It Happen and I talked about the recent successes of International Street Fair and some exciting realignments that are happening in the Division it did feel a bit disconnected to transition into 'so I saw this job opportunity.' I asked him to ask me a few good questions that would help me process whether or not I should apply, and he did. So I've been pondering for the last week what is my primary motivator in wanting to potentially step into that position. You'd think this would be easy to answer, but see I'm weeks deep into this reflection journey and not easily pacified with a surface answer. So I've been chewing on it more. One of the reactive statements I said that day in our conversation was that I was worried if I did not move back into a small school now, I was not confident I could make the move when we are job searching next, post J's PhD. As I said it then, I realized that it was not a flippant remark, but a real window of truth into my raw feelings.

I am afraid.

I want a job now because I feel more confident today in my connections with this opportunity to pave the way than trusting the endless what-if possibilities that I cannot name of the future.

I'm trying to hold in tension my trust in God who has always provided with my acknowledgment that we've also been given a brain that I think we should use our abilities to make things happen. So as I rest in that tension, for me this decision of applying or not applying is being determined because I do not want to make decisions out of fear. I could falsely label it as 'strategic' but that's not being honest with myself. I am afraid that if I don't move now I won't get where I want to be later. That feels a bit ugly to write, but boy am I glad to reflect on that now and not later.

I'm staying put with my Hokie community. This week has given me many reminders of why this is a great place to remain.

Day 16: Long distance Community

Remember how last week I put out the call for anybody who wanted to be on my call list to holler? Well Keah did. Keah and I met in 2005? during the Church of God writing retreat in Florida. On night one of sharing a room we deemed ourselves soul mates. Though we connected at those retreats annually for a few years, we haven't been in the same space for a while now. But when you are talking about your soul mate things don't just change because you haven't seen the other person in 5+ years. It was great to pick up on the phone tonight and slide right into an honest and authentic space with one another since both of us have added roles of wife and mother. Connecting with friends like Keah, particularly on a day like today, is refreshing.

Day 15: A Community Response

So for all the anxiety I felt twisted in my stomach last night as I pushed publish on the blog post about our miscarriage, it has been for not. You all are lovely. Today has been met with all kinds of support sent through messages and notes. If you haven't read my first Journey to 30 entry here, I recommend it. Mostly because I link to Brene Brown and her amazing TED talk about vulnerability and why I've been feeling prompted to share more authentically. Well the past 24 hours has been a testament to her research and the capacity for love and support only growing when we risk the feelings of fear and vulnerability.

I've been wondering how this stage of grief might look different if we had shared the news sooner. If those stretches of time where I felt anxious and isolated because I hadn't even told my mom that we were expecting yet, could have been experienced differently with the surrounding of a community of support.

Growing up in the church I've always experienced the extended family of our church community. It was par for the course to have extra people at our house or at our relatives' for lunches or dinners, especially Thanksgiving. When my grandpa (who was pastoring the church) was diagnosed with cancer it was the church community that wrapped around us in emotional and physical supportive ways- with food, prayers, hugs, more food, notes of encouragement and more. I think a lot of how I learned to be in community began with this experience.

If I think about where I see goodness most present, it would have to be in community. Some of my best days in our neighborhood are when we get to be with our neighbors and share life together. It doesn't have to be for a significant party, just being present in the moment (and lately in great weather) fills a need. As one of the workshops this weekend attested, we have a deep yearning to know and to be known by others. I see glimpses of that filled during good days and during hard times when a community comes together. For all those reading, thanks for being part of mine.

Day 14: Miscarriage

As I am almost halfway through the month I am realizing that this Journey to 30 is both healthy and challenging. I really enjoy setting the space and time aside to reflect. It has been energizing for me to reflect and I find myself being more mindful during the days while I'm doing what I'm doing. The pondering I like, the sharing I find infinitely more challenging to do. I don't know that it is a fear of judgment, or just a general fear of vulnerability with an unknown outcome of response. But since I've inched out to the deep, I figure why not swim all the way under, right?

For the past couple of months we've been talking about growing our family and considering a timeline of Jonathan's program and what point it would allow for the capacity for me to not feel like a single parent (no bueno with a newborn). He has comprehensive exams in late August and just one class left in the fall so we felt like this was a good marker that past this point our family life might feel more flexible. So in January we removed the goalie (tmi?). When we found out we were pregnant with Heath we had only been trying for one month. So this go-round I was trying to prepare myself that this was atypical and most couples try for at least 6 months to a year. Well February came and we found out we were pregnant. We were pretty ecstatic and also pretty un-humble in believing we've got this whole getting pregnant thing in the bag. 2/2 is a pretty great record, not that people keep score, or maybe we secretly do.

I started checking some books out from the library about healthy pregnancy and gentle birthing- getting myself psyched for the marathon ahead. I wanted to tell everyone I saw, but didn't. We had told people about Heath pretty soon, definitely first trimester still. I'm not sure why this was different, but decided to wait on it and enjoyed having news that was just for us right then. We got connected with a wonderful midwife out of Roanoke and began a relationship that proved essential.

At about 7 weeks I started bleeding. Nothing crazy, but it felt wrong because I'd never experienced bleeding with Heath. I called our midwife and we walked through possibilities and options of responses. I felt most comfortable with not intervening since I was not very far along and it seemed like more tests/scans would not be ideal for the exposing of ultrasound technology. So I made the choice to wait and trust. I resigned that I could do nothing and be mentally challenged as my mind raced with possibilities, or I could have interventions to have a possibility of diagnosis, but likely nothing that wouldn't be revealed over time. So I wrestled with a lot of anxiety during that time which turned out to be about two and a half weeks. I had a lot of questions for myself about things I could have done different and researching possibilities that all said there was nothing I was doing or had done wrong. Aside from the anxiety, I physically felt ok. I didn't have any painful cramping and I took that as a good sign; though my conversations with our midwife did include that any bleeding in first trimester could be a threat of miscarriage.

Then the bleeding stopped and I thought this was a great sign. I felt good. A little tired, a little achy and the week after a little queasy, but good. So I went to Orlando for NASPA as planned. I felt confident at that time that we were still pregnant, but just waiting two more weeks to share the news. So I missed out on drinks with friends- for all those wondering why I was ordering the rounds of Shirley Temples :). I came home and we had our first official prenatal appointment with our midwife. It was a really wonderful meeting time of talking about the experience thus far and establishing our relationship of care and what preferences we had. And then we tried to find a heartbeat.

I knew going into the appointment that with an estimated 11 weeks it was not a guarantee that we'd be able to hear a heartbeat at that point. So I was bummed, but didn't feel disheartened. J sure did though. We tried a new battery for the doppler, tried a few new positions for me, but still no heartbeat. Our midwife asked me when the last time I'd taken a pregnancy test was- a few weeks had passed. (I mean once you take it, why take it again right?) We decided it may be a good idea before I do the lab work sheet that she'd given me to first take another test at home and we can go from there. We set another appointment for two weeks later when the estimated growth of the baby would be far enough along to likely hear a heartbeat. I told J not to worry- that I'd been feeling achy and queasy and knew that I was pregnant, just wait for my morning pee to show it.

Well it didn't.

I went to the store and bought a second test, you know in case the first one that read not pregnant was a dud. It wasn't. I had two negative pregnancy tests looking back at me and I was just in disbelief. Where were all these other pregnancy cues coming from if I'm not pregnant anymore? Am I crazy in the head making stuff up? (A later talk with our midwife helped to affirm that I am not and hormones were still processing through in my body) I was sad that we were no longer going to have a baby in late October, that Heath calling his stuffed lemur Baby Sister was not an omen, sad that I was so confident and told J not to worry because I thought I knew my body, but I was wrong.

It was a Saturday morning and I was so grateful to not have any obligations for the weekend- aside from being a parent to an active toddler- I could sit and grieve. To add insult, I caught some kind of stomach bug that afternoon that took me out of commission. In some ways a physical pain that hit my body gave me permission to cry and feel the hurt. This sucks. One of the panelists at the NASPA presentation that got me reflecting had shared about their miscarriage(s) and he said something like 'it was the first time in our life that we didn't get our way. Up until then life had been a blessing and felt relatively easy.' That's been circling around in my head. It was easy. Getting pregnant was about me and something I did.

When I talked with my counselor the next week he asked me how my faith supports these kind of experiences, or does it? I said, you mean the question of why do bad things happen to good people? Ya, I've thought about that one and it's not the first time I've had to ask or answer it. I don't know why. I believe that God wants to be with us in it though. I don't think God causes bad things to happen, but that God wants people to run towards him for a grieving partner. I've seen situations worked out over time and used for good- whether it is to encourage someone else in a similar situation or for a greater personal trust.learning.faith. I think at nearly 30, this is the first time in my life that I've defaulted to such a response as quickly as I have- not out of denial for my grief, but out of a trust in a greater provider than myself.

I know miscarriage affects many couples and families and I am learning that it physically feels different for everyone and is emotionally experienced differently as well. I share my story to be vulnerable in the hope that it will be beneficial to someone in addition to being reflective for me.

Day 13: Unpacking Mission still

We had our 4+ hour drive back to Blacksburg this afternoon when the conference wrapped up. In hindsight I probably should have chanced the car sickness and just sat in the back alone to have introverted processing time. That was a full two days of information and nuggets to unpack. I'll venture to summarize at least one thing that was an underlying theme arising for me through the sessions- relevancy. (We later determined we probably could have made a few fun drinking games out of the buzzwords over the two days- contextualize and relevancy being two.)

There were a few Canadians attending the conference and I really appreciated their 'other' perspective to add to the conversation. I felt challenged to be asking the question of reality vs truth for the various cultural contexts. I think global understandings are so helpful in forming a theology that is larger than yourself. The closing speaker today provided an alternative to a track for the conversation we've been having. I think it is possible that we default to a language that is (potentially outdated and/or inaccurate) evangelical because it has become an easier explanation. It is simple to walk through an image of a great divide and a cross bridging the gap, but that goes to a message that is more advisement than news and does not sound good, but sounds angry and shameful. Todd Hunter and Bruxy Cavey both did great jobs of sharing a new 'track' of what short learning model could be in our minds as a reference so that we could not just repeat the same words each time, but that through referencing the model of what Christianity is about we can find the right words for the unique situation each time to share.

Day 12: Missio Conference Day 2

April 12th was a long and full day. I processed and received a lot of information. By way of abbreviating I want to capture just some of my notes (not direct quotes) from the four workshop sessions I attended and where thoughts are continuing to unpack from. Here is the website http://www.missioalliance.org/ with speaker bios listed.

1- "The ways we talk about Kingdom/Gospel/Salvation that change the dynamic of the Church"
Presenting were Scot McKnight and David Fitch
SM:
God and Kingdom have become language of salvation but this is not what Jesus' language was.
First century defined gospel as the goodo news that Jesus was king. It was not about salvation.
We've designed the gospel as evangelism. New Testament evangelistic questions are defining who Jesus is but we now tack on the second questions of 'do you accept him' making it about salvation.
Salvation for Zechariah in Luke is a socio-salvation from the Roman opression.
DF:
Evangelical movement no longer speaks contextually.
Evangelical ideas work best in western cultures. Even then the ways we package the gospel actually distance us from the non believer when you first have to convince them they are sinners. We've lost the ability to speak the gospel into everyday life.
There is a lost sense of God's rule in our lives. (No grasp of value placed on what God's way is)
We need to teach people how to be present in the lives of people. We have lost the practice of proclaiming the gospel in our neighborhoods.
SM:
Evangelism in the New Testament is declaring, pronouncing, announcing something. It's not about finding God in the midst of the world.
When we are present with people and that is the focus, then the right words will come and meet us there.

2- "God's Mission at God's Speed"
Presenting were Tim Soerens and Christine Sine
I shared the blurb for this session on facebook that day- I was really looking forward to the topic about slowing down and being present/mindful.
CS:
The Hebrew view of a day began at dusk when you start the day with rest so when you get up you can ask what work has God already been up to. Our view is that the day begins when we begin, whatever time that is in the morning- and sometimes we ask what do you want me to do today God instead of reflecting on what God is already doing and where can we join the work in progress.
TS:
How are we being faithfully present? How are we always in the presence of listening? Where are we going to be responsible to a specific area of where God is working? Mministry begins first with listening.
A growing section of the church is looking at sustainability carving for this model of slowing down.
CS:
Weekly asking/reflecting: What am I grateful for? What am I struggling with? What bears the fingerprints of God? Takes four times a year to retreat. In staff meetings uses the Quaker discernment process as a model to think about reflective questions.
Recommendations from group q/a: Susan Cain TED talk, Parker Palmer 'A Hidden Wholeness'

3- "Reconciling Spirituality and Sexuality"
Presenting were Deb and Alan Hirsch
Al:
Lust when redeemed can be turned into passion for God.
CS Lewis' imagery in the Great Divorce is the lust lizard turned into a white stallion.
The love of beauty separated from the love of goodness is pornography. To overcome we do not need to ignore beauty but love goodness more.
Deb:
Three layers: Gender identity, social sexuality, genital sexuality.
In the community of the church, riich intimacy can be had in other ways that are non genital.
Further reading recommendations- James Nelson Theology of the Body, Stanley Grins Developing a theology of sexuality

4- "Embracing the Generosity of a Christian Pluralism"
Presenting were Gary Black and Amos Young
GB:
The logos gets freedom to incarnate in various forms. Jesus says I am the way but this is a reference to logos and is incarnated in more than just Jesus the Nazarene.
No one is in a position to say who makes the cut and who doesn't,
An all powerful God will focus on agape love and we do not make te call.
We do know A way through Jesus the Christ.
AY: Relational transformation is going to happen between neighbors of various faiths. We cannot incubate ourselves from being transformed also. This may also include intellectual transformation with our neighbors.

Day 11: Getting honest here about Jesus

We traveled to Alexandria, VA today and the city welcomed us with beautiful cherry blossoms and warm spring weather. J and I are staying alone together at a Residence Inn hotel by Marriott that greeted us with a birthday cake in our room acknowledging my upcoming 30th birthday. After our conference ended at 9pm we were able to reconnect with a great friend and colleague from Arkansas days who is  now living in the area rocking orientation at Georgetown. Ending the night at a karoke bar over drinks with J and Justin was pretty much the cherry on top to a great non-work, mostly vacation day.

The conference we are at is called Mission Alliance and it is the inaugral gathering of about 700 who serve in Christian ministry to talk about the future of what that looks like. When we were offered the opportunity to come to this, my first thought was that J and I would get a break away from Blacksburg and have two nights in a hotel alone- pretty sold on that! The plenary and workshop sessions are intentionally diverse in the theological approach and background of the varied presenters. I think a tag line for the conference should have been something about- where you will be uncomfortable. Even in the plenary sessions with everyone there are multiple voices being shared and they aren't talking about easy agreeable things. One session that stood out to me yesterday was on Humanity.

Perhaps when we talk about Humanity in Christian circles it is then that people feel a freedom to be honest and raw. There was a tone change in the authenticity of the speakers. Perhaps making the best quotes list of the week was Al Hirsch who said "It's not about the supression of the orgasm, it's about the redemption of it." And his wife Deb who followed with a great model reference about how spirituality and sexuality are similar in ways that we are longing to connect and a desire to know and be known. In spirituality that longing is to connect with a capital O Other, and is vertical. In sexuality (and we aren't just talking about intercourse here) we are longing to connect horizontally with lower case o others. I loved them and think their community in Los Angeles - Tribe of LA is probably an incredible people to be part of. The other awesome quote of the day was when Deb said "Where we stand determines what we see." They have intentionally chosen to be in community with those who are marginalized and this sentence about choosing where we stand has been foundational.

The other thought that has stayed with me from opening day was the first plenary on Gospel. The question was posed about the different between an icon and an idol- in reference to how Jesus is viewed in Christianity. This question helped to give language to a struggle I was feeling during Holy Week this year (and every year) when Jesus is placed in such a primary role of the Christian tradition.  (Remember my goal in reflecting this month is to also be vulnerable- so please be gentle here). J and I went on a date last month and out to a coffeehouse where I tried to articulate how I used to love Holy Week but more and more it has become a time that makes me feel uncomfortable with the emphasis that is placed on Jesus instead of a window that we look through to see a better picture of God.

Part of my context in understanding my own Christian faith is having participated in the Religion and Christian Ministry program at Warner Pacific College. During my year of Theology with Dr. Steve Lewis I was encouraged to hold onto one thing that could ground me in my belief, but to be flexible and open to altering other views. I held on to the belief that there is a God who created me and wants to be in relationship with me. I didn't hold on to Jesus, I held on to God. I'm not saying I dismissed or let go of Jesus, I just opened my box a little wider on the role that he played in my faith that was ultimately grounded in a belief in God. (I'll say here that I absolutely love my husband and our ability to engage in these conversations with each other so that during this coffee chat when I said 'so what do you think of Jesus?' we had a good laugh at the question, but then explored it).

So this idea of an icon that allows us to reflect upon that which is behind the representation or a symbol is deeply meaningful in my perspective of Jesus. In contrast the idol is that which is worshipped in itself alone. My Senior year of college I had to present my final paper for RCM majors to the faculty. I remember sitting in the office and having questions clarifyingly asked of me- so, tell us more here, do you believe in Jesus? :) It wasn't quite an inquisition, but I knew that my pendulum had swung from the experience of theaters being filled that year to watch the Passion of the Christ and wanting to have a deeper beyond Jesus look at who God was.

Day 10

We were multitasking a lot on Wednesday to wrap up our work committments, prep our house for Dakota and Shannon to take care of Heath and finish packing our bags for a conference trip to Alexandria. At the end of a long day with a very short night of sleep ahead- I managed to capture this reflection on what my day had left me pondering. I'll explore it more later.


Making decisions out of fear vs. heart
Ideal in my mind vs a pretty great fit for the reality of the moment
Do I truly like that shade of green
selfish motives
altruistic

Day 9

Throughout this month of reflection I wanted to be in touch with some friends that may not make it into my regular course of communication. So I was happy tonight to catch up with my friend James where I think we determined that it had been a 2 or 3 year stretch since we last caught up on the phone. Life conversations are a lot different when talked through rather than summarized with one Facebook status at a time updates.

As I was writing about college life last week and processing what my post-graduation steps would be, James is someone who will always be part of my story. We dated long distance senior year (Oregon-Florida) and navigated that graduation stage together trying to figure out what would be next. Part of what was next was our relationship not continuing in that same capacity, but I really feel confident that were it not for his support of my pursuing grad school the following year that I may have never left Portland. How different life would be for me now if I didn't have that push to go.

Want to be on the phone call list this month? Tell me :)

Day 8: Grama Jean

A year ago I was working the kitchen day leading into Street Fair and I got a text message from my dad that my Grama had died. I was driving a 12 passenger van and had a student in the passenger seat that I had just met and was dropping off to volunteer for a kitchen set up. I don't talk on the phone and drive, ever. I apologized to the student and told him that I needed to make a call real quick. I called Jonathan and told him that I needed him to call my family and try to get ahold of someone on the phone to find out what was going on, that I think my Grama just died. I proceeded to drop this student off, explain the kitchen directions and hold myself together long enough to get back in the van alone. When I was driving to the same kitchen this weekend for set up, that wave of an emotion came back over me. I can't believe it has been a full year already.

I started to write a blog post about my Grama the week after she died. I got as far as 'I am in Fresno because' and couldn't finish. It still sits in my drafts. The same way this one probably would if I didn't have the commitment of my Journey to 30 documentation to keep me accountable in my vulnerability. I can't quite articulate how strong my emotions still are over the thought of her. I don't know if it would be any less difficult if I wasn't the only granddaughter, or if I wasn't named for her. Of course she always liked to tell everyone the story about me as a young girl learning and then sharing "that she was named after me." Or she liked to tell about how when I was young I ate at Marie Calendars with her and a friend and ordered croutons on my salad like I was a young adult.

When I actually became a young adult I had a newfound appreciation for my Grama and the study time she regularly spent learning about the historical context of the Bible. I would call her during my year of outlining the New Testament and another year of the Old Testament, talking about how I was learning new lenses to view stories I had grown up hearing. She was so proud of my NT/OT notebooks I remember bringing them home to show her and she didn't just flip through- she read each and every page.  When I went to grad school she followed me to Texas for graduation. When I had Heath she flew to Arkansas to meet him. When we moved to Virginia for J to study full time she always understood the challenges that brought and would share about how hard it was when my Grampa studied at college and she took care of the children.

My Grama had the gift of encouragement. She wrote at least one card a day- and kept a log yearly. When her grandkids started to move away to college she learned how to work a computer and got an email address. She sent me an email at least weekly, sometimes with just a quick quote from her 'Really Wooly' devotion. She prayed for me- and expected an update if I had given a request. Grama was relentless in her care for people and her love for God and the church.

Tonight I reread her eulogy I wrote. My heart is full with memories and yet still aches with a loss greater than I have ever felt.

Day 7: Choosing Baylor

Before the Street Fair madness, I was reflecting on how I chose this field of Student Affairs. My thoughts ended with graduation and taking a year off to get a break from academics and worked in Warner's admissions office. Even though I was already living a state away from home for the past four years, that fifth year in Portland was different. I felt more independent (likely circling back through Chickering's vector of autonomy towards interdependence) as I moved off campus and into the Portland community.

I wound up in an amazing living situation via Craigslist with two other women in a house. I learned to mow the lawn. I paid an actual check for rent monthly. As that next year went on I could feel myself becoming more energized for academic work ahead. I started talking to one of the faculty at Warner, Dr. Foltz, about how graduate school admissions even works. I learned I needed to take the GRE. He offered to write a letter of recommendation for me which I was surprised and humbled by. I never took an actual class from him, but he had been very complimentary of the work I did as a student leader on campus and the things he observed. My favorite line- that still makes me grin- in his letter of rec described me as someone who 'gracefully displays the challenging balance of grit and tact.' :)

Shannon was now supervising me in the admissions role and we talked in our 1:1s about my future plans. I wasn't really sure what schools to look at for a master's. She recommended I take a look at Baylor University because she had a former colleague at George Fox who had recently been the VP of Student Life at Baylor (Eileen Hulme). I read their website and really connected immediately with their program. It was a holistic approach to student development and not just focused on a theory approach or counseling based, but connected leadership, history, spiritual development, law, counseling and theory with a practical experience throughout the program called a graduate assistantship. Additionally, Baylor was a 'strengths school' and utilized the Clifton StrengthsFinder Assessment with its students. Since this was something I did while a student at Warner I was familiar with the language and loved the idea of viewing students through a lens of what they were good at.

I know that I am atypical in what how I approached graduate school in that I only applied to Baylor. I looked around at Azusa Pacific, Portland State and Oregon State, but really I felt confident that I was to be at Baylor and so set my path for that next step. Thankfully after flying out for an interview weekend they agreed and made me an offer. That was in February 2006 and in March they emailed our cohort to introduce us to one another. That was the first time I saw the name Jonathan Manz.

Day 6

**International Street Fair Day**

I got home around 8pm and went straight to my bed to lay down and rest. I thought I might fall asleep right away, but in fact I found my brain unable to shut off and kept thinking about what needs to be followed up with on Monday, what alterations I should make next year, etc. So I plugged away at Netflix, turned it off at 11pm, still couldn't sleep, so watched another two episodes and finally crashed at 1am. (Jonathan and Heath are in Florida until Monday).

I felt grateful for an amazing community that I got to be a small part of through International Street Fair. What an incredible opportunity for all of these cultural exchanges to be taking place on our campus. They happen every day and we showcase it one day through this event. I am privileged to work with an incredible team and amazing students.

Day 5: Humility

**International Street Fair Prep/Kitchen Day**

This evening I reflected on a few things that kept me humble. The refrigerator truck challenge of the snowy Thursday was more of an irritation to me because I had to add a layer of coordination for acquiring an approved CDL driver to move the 40 ft thing. I have driven many a vehicles in my years- manual, automatic, classics, golf carts, gators, sedans, mini vans, 12 passenger vans, 15 passenger vans, cargo vans, U-Hauls, trucks hauling a boat trailer (with boat!). I recognize that I am a pretty confident driver when it comes to my versatility. And when pulling off large scale events like Street Fair, in a 12 hour work day I will on average drive at least 3-4 of the above mentioned. But the CDL requirement- I don't have. The truck needed to be moved less than 1 mile, all on campus, and I legally could not do it. When I talked to a colleague who formerly had his CDL but it had expired and
he offered to connect me with a current licensed driver- I thought 'oh so maybe this is a big deal.' It wasn't until that conversation did I put out of my mind the idea that I could just coast it down the hill to its proper spot.

This confidence is mostly a helpful asset for me. But I do have to be aware of ways that it has its shortcomings too. On the Clifton StrengthsFinder Assessment, one of my top talents is Activator. This means I have an impulse to take action and get things going. I am less of a brain stormer and more of a put it into action yesterday-type person. When this energy is harnessed and used appropriately it can be a great asset to jump start at project or help to get a group moving. When I am not reflective and mindful of it, it can do a great disservice by stepping on toes and moving too quickly before thinking thoroughly.

Friday morning I got a call from the Town office that we needed to put signs on new meters that were being installed on the street to notify people that we would tow if left beyond our set up time. I thought- no problem I have an hour window before the next kitchen needs to be set up and checked in, I will just 'whip up a few.' Well, I was humbled by the lamination machine.

It gave me a good laugh and nice reminder as I went into another long day- to stay humble.

Day 4: Adaptability

My body is tired. I've been on my feet all of today with various tasks that began with cleaning a kitchen and ended with hauling gallons of bubble tea into a snow covered commercial fridge truck. This Saturday is the 54th International Street Fair. Our office cosponsors the event alongside our student organization. It involves 63 organizations, 43 of which are cooking food to sell. The cooking begins two days before the event and involves a lot of involved details I won't bore you with.

My point in tonight's reflection is on the full day I've had and the ways in which I feel stretched. Last year during this weekend I was managing the death of my grandma and booking flights to get home to CA in the midst of setting up these kitchens and finalizing details for booth layouts. This week I am officially on point for the event, with no Director to fall back on- whether for support or just someone to blame. A few troubleshooting events happened today. It began with the parking spots we had arranged to park the fridge truck not actually being blocked off. I think that my initial reaction to situations like this is very analytical and backwards looking of what went wrong. I was sure that if I gave 10 minutes to my inbox I'd be able to find the email that proved I had arranged this and that it was "their" fault. But after wasting 10 precious minutes that were needed, I'd still be in the same predicament. SO I stretched myself a bit today. I rejected the impulse to sit at my desk and review old emails to prove my prideful point, and got on the phone instead to troubleshoot with my Parking Services colleague and my other colleagues in the division who I thought might help think through some options.

The NASPA session I went to that started this reflection journey had Elisa share a story about a moment where she caught herself being hung up on the details, something about the wrong napkins from catering. I've been thinking about that story because I think it is so easy to get upset and be thrown off course by little things that are insignificant in the bigger picture. Placing the 40 ft commercial truck in an accessible place is no little detail, but really, it kind of is. The day moved on and as far as I know, this large event will still take place on Saturday. I relied on some awesome colleagues to help troubleshoot and at the end of the day am really glad to have not said any words that I wish I could take back or wasted energy on sufficing my pride in being right. Tomorrow is another big cooking/kitchen and final detail prep day with I'm sure many opportunities ahead to stretch my adaptability.

Also- it snowed about 5 inches this afternoon and the university closed down in the midst of my flexing :) On April 4th. Snow. I picked a good day to let things go.