Day 28: Setting my Hope

J and I led worship at church this morning. I picked out a song set that I thought would complement the sermon on Revelations 21. We ran through stuff together on the guitar last night and with the band this morning. And then people came and service was going and into the first song Blessed be Your Name I got hit with a ton of bricks. I made it halfway through the first line of the bridge and couldn't get the words to come out.

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say,

Lord Blessed be Your Name

Wow. Wasn't expecting the flood of emotion to hit me as I felt these words exactly call out how I've felt about our miscarriage. (If you missed that read, you can go back to Day 14 here). Pregnancy was given to us, the hope of a family of four, a journey of growing new life, and then it was taken away. I've been reflective on the word 'choice' lately and acknowledging that we are always choosing what to do with our time, how we love, whether I am present or zoned into my phone. Whether I am mindful of the choice or not, I am choosing. And I want to be more mindful of my choices.

Sometimes love comes naturally, like on your wedding day or when you hold your newborn on his birth day. And sometimes (maybe more times) love is a choice, as in when you feel like a ship passing your partner in the night as your schedules reflect competing priorities or when your toddler is 28 minutes into a tantrum that doesn't show signs of ending soon. Then is when you make the choice to love, especially when you don't feel it. Choosing love is full of hope.

I was grateful for the opportunity to hear Dr. Shane Lopez speak this past week at VT on his new book Making Hope Happen. He defined hope as the combination of a belief that the future will be better than the present and that we have the ability to impact it or make it so. When we choose to trust and to love in the midst of the challenging.trying.heartbreaking moments, that is hope. I trust that our story will not end here in this grieving.

I learned a new to me song at the women's retreat this weekend (yep I went and survived and got to know some great ladies better). The words from this song replaying over and over in my head are held in support of this reflection on loss and love/trust and hope.

I will trust in You

I will remain confident in this

I will see the goodness of the LORD

We set our hope on You

We set our hope on Your Love

We set our hope on the One who is the Everlasting God