Significantly impacting my ability to process clearly is my screaming toddler who for 42 minutes now has not wanted to go to sleep. The unsweetened iced tea at dinner was clearly not a good choice for him- caffeine anyone?
I called my Oma tonight to say thank you for her birthday card that arrived on time as always. She is in the process of sorting through her house and designating items for yard sale and donation and packing as she prepares to move out in the coming months. She has lived in that same house for over fifty years. My dad and uncle grew up there in addition to her four now grown grandchildren. Oma was reflecting on how challenging the process has been and emotionally taxing as so many memories come up. But she said after she takes a break the Lord is good to remind her that they are just things and the memories don't have to go away with them, it is just stuff.
I've appreciated that this past month of reflections has allowed me the opportunity to be more present. By taking time aside (usually in the evenings) to think on the day and questions or experiences of my past I have found myself to be entirely more in tune during the day to the things the matter more- not the stuff, not the things, but the people and the purposes. April has certainly been a full month and if anything compared to other months my calendar has actually been more filled in, but it hasn't felt rushed or too busy. Through being reflective I find that I am more mindful of how I am present in the moments during the day.
An hour and 24 minutes now of non-sleeping, mostly screaming Heath. Joy.
One of the healthy things about setting aside reflection time is that I realize how I've allowed my introvert bucket to be filled. As a mom and partner, I don't often prioritize my personal time in the weekly calendar. But I know that I operate at a better capacity when I've set pockets of alone time for myself to rebuild energy that is deposited throughout a day around others.
A challenge I've found in this Journey to 30 blogging is being authentic in matching vulnerability online with in person community. I appreciate the affirmation that has been shared about being courageous here and sharing honestly, but comparatively that has been the easy part. The harder challenge is being courageous and authentic when standing in front of someone and they ask how are you? or they comment I read your blog. I suppose I knew part of that challenge would exist when I committed to not just personal reflection time this month, but the risk of sharing those reflections with others. I've also seen online vulnerability give courage for others to reach out and share their stories with me through email or messages or phone calls. And that part- that has been awesome. An unexpected benefit of the journey, to feel more deeply rooted in community.
So I'm still thinking on what's next. It's April 30th after all, and my golden birthday has come. I know that this past month is absolutely worth repeating in some of the above ways that poured out as a result. Maybe the Manz Fam blog will continue with family updates but also incorporate a more truth-telling holistic lens of family, parenting and personal reflections. Guess you'll have to stay tuned to find out!
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