Blessing and Curses

This morning's message at church was under the umbrella of our series on 'Blessing.' Going the non-traditional route, our speaker chose to talk about how God's blessings can sometimes feel like curses. We looked at the close alignment in Scripture of these two juxtaposed ideas of blessing and curse, specific to the desert wanderers in Deuteronomy. Steve shared something that I've heard before, but was a needed reminder in this life season, that 'sometimes God blesses us by not giving us what we want.'

I feel like in a lot of ways I am still mourning the outcome of J's prelims last month. It's been a tough position to be in as sojourner/partner in marriage and in the PhD program. I want to continue providing my support as Team Jonathan moves ahead, while also not ignoring my feelings of disappointment. And it seems like there are more ways that arise for me as a reminder of that loss than say for Team Cheerleader, my mom in California. Whether it is an additional study session for J during the work day or a late night reading time- the prep stage that I had thought was going to be done in September is ongoing... until January 23rd and 24th when the written retake is.

So as I reflected this morning on the juxtaposition of what feels like a curse in my hoped-for timeline, I counted my blessings in this season. I am ~25 weeks along in a healthy pregnancy carrying a beautiful baby girl (we got to see her on an ultrasound scan two weeks ago, she is lovely). After experiencing a miscarriage earlier this year, I am keenly aware of how God has blessed us with this pregnancy. Viewing baby girl on the screen this month and measuring every single healthy bone and heart chamber and brain hemisphere was a wonderful assurance of God's provision.

So when I think about the prelim retake in late January and a due window of late January to mid-February it is really easy for me to forget the blessing of the healthy growing baby inside me and instead view the curse of the calendar. I was reading through my reflections back in the spring after the miscarriage and how hopeful I felt, trusting that this would not be the end of our story. And I think I stand in that same place today- not knowing at all how the story will be written, but trusting that blessing will come out of this season in our life. I hope that when both Jonathan and I share our vulnerability and reflections with each other and with our community, we are living out this Henri Nouwen quote “In true community we are windows offering each other new views on the mystery of God’s presence in our lives.”
 

Heath is pretty excited for 'baby sister' to join the family. Maybe she will bring good luck with her for next season!