Reflections, The 30s Life, transition, Indiana, PhD Journey

I got to introduce myself to a new Purdue employee tonight and navigate what has been sort of challenging since the move last July. How do I introduce myself to someone who has no knowledge of the 'prior-me' before this moment? I don't have easy boxes to check anymore when I fill out forms to list my employer and field of work. I find myself stumbling over a combination of what I used to do and where I used to live combined with too much information about this old house and the project management I've undertaken in the last year, and that Heath finished up his kindergarten year and he had homework daily that I helped him focus on, and... I think this person was super polite and smiled and found a common ground to ask a follow up question focused on one of my life identities I spewed out. 

When we moved here 11 months ago I really struggled with this introducing myself thing. I don't ever recall including my profession in my first sentence of intro, but without the profession I felt like I stumbled over every word and was judging myself more than others probably even gave a second thought. So I guess I tried to have grace with myself and say it will get easier. But I'm not sure that it has. Perhaps there has been an improvement in my own personal comfort level with how I view my new role at home. Though I still struggle with that identity too, like I am ignoring this other big piece of me. 

I've always been more comfortable with plans vs. ambiguity. I think since becoming a parent and entering my 30s that pendulum has shifted to accept a reality that plans and structure are such an illusion. You can hang on to that organized plan, but I've found letting go and embracing what is makes me a lot happier. This relocation and pause from paid employment I've tried to embrace as an opportunity to reflect and be present, to consider what my values are and prioritize based on that as we establish life in a new place. It is freeing to start with a clean slate and no commitments in your schedule. Most days I really do cherish that gift of time. After 4 years of being the sugar mama, it feels nice to pass that responsibility on to J for a bit. But there are still a lot of days where I feel a bit lost in understanding what I am doing in this season of life. 

A week ago Tuesday Jonathan defended his dissertation, completing all the requirements necessary to earn his PhD. ((CELEBRATE!!!)) While this was of course a huge weight immediately lifted, it has been a slow realization of entering a new season for him, for me, for our family. We said the PhD was going to be the next baby in our family (then we decided to add Reese to our clan after the coursework was done 3 years in). But 5 years of daily work and sacrifice has been made to achieve the accomplishment and it feels weird to let go of the daily work and sacrifice. The last two weekends have felt incredibly long. We have so much family time to fill it is kind of unreal. And so maybe that shift in capacity combined with approaching our first year in Indiana has me doing all kinds of thinking. How DO I want to introduce myself? 

Blessing and Curses

This morning's message at church was under the umbrella of our series on 'Blessing.' Going the non-traditional route, our speaker chose to talk about how God's blessings can sometimes feel like curses. We looked at the close alignment in Scripture of these two juxtaposed ideas of blessing and curse, specific to the desert wanderers in Deuteronomy. Steve shared something that I've heard before, but was a needed reminder in this life season, that 'sometimes God blesses us by not giving us what we want.'

I feel like in a lot of ways I am still mourning the outcome of J's prelims last month. It's been a tough position to be in as sojourner/partner in marriage and in the PhD program. I want to continue providing my support as Team Jonathan moves ahead, while also not ignoring my feelings of disappointment. And it seems like there are more ways that arise for me as a reminder of that loss than say for Team Cheerleader, my mom in California. Whether it is an additional study session for J during the work day or a late night reading time- the prep stage that I had thought was going to be done in September is ongoing... until January 23rd and 24th when the written retake is.

So as I reflected this morning on the juxtaposition of what feels like a curse in my hoped-for timeline, I counted my blessings in this season. I am ~25 weeks along in a healthy pregnancy carrying a beautiful baby girl (we got to see her on an ultrasound scan two weeks ago, she is lovely). After experiencing a miscarriage earlier this year, I am keenly aware of how God has blessed us with this pregnancy. Viewing baby girl on the screen this month and measuring every single healthy bone and heart chamber and brain hemisphere was a wonderful assurance of God's provision.

So when I think about the prelim retake in late January and a due window of late January to mid-February it is really easy for me to forget the blessing of the healthy growing baby inside me and instead view the curse of the calendar. I was reading through my reflections back in the spring after the miscarriage and how hopeful I felt, trusting that this would not be the end of our story. And I think I stand in that same place today- not knowing at all how the story will be written, but trusting that blessing will come out of this season in our life. I hope that when both Jonathan and I share our vulnerability and reflections with each other and with our community, we are living out this Henri Nouwen quote “In true community we are windows offering each other new views on the mystery of God’s presence in our lives.”
 

Heath is pretty excited for 'baby sister' to join the family. Maybe she will bring good luck with her for next season!

Student Affairs Reflecting

Today I spent my Sunday with some pretty incredible student leaders who have given up two weeks of their summer break to come back early and serve. Not to get paid money, nor a meal plan, nor a bookstore gift card (though I hope a budget in the future could provide such things). But to come back and live out the university's motto of Ut Prosim, that I may serve, for the benefit of the ~800 new undergraduate and graduate international students who will join the Hokie community this fall. I printed business cards for them and gave them a tshirt and a polo shirt, and you would have thought it was a 40K salary with benefits. Bless them for being so gracious with their time!

This August in particular I was hopeful of the return of these 28 student leaders to join me and lift the load. We are ten months deep now without a Director and earlier this month my colleague ditched me for a way cuter 8 lb newborn for the next few months. In the last week though I have gained my incredibly amazing graduate assistant (GA) for the year and this weekend the student leaders who will all take these orientation plans and put them into action. What a wonderful wave of energy.

As we went through the retreat today I had a few reflections on how my approach as a professional has changed since year one (8 yrs ago).

• My schedule of the day looked less like a military breakdown in 30 minute intervals and more of a loose outline of goal topics to cover with the ~ approximate symbol used more than once for a time estimate at three hour markers. 
• I shared an overview of topics we'd cover, but didn't print out a detailed schedule for everyone to follow along. 
• When the team building strategy activity was going on, I didn't interrupt when it got hard for them. I didn't interject with more information or suggestive hints. I watched them work through more uncomfortableness and frustration and supported my GA as she facilitated the activity seamlessly. 
• When they split into small groups I let my GA float and I took a 10 minute introvert break outside in the garden. I didn't hover.

I think each year in this field I realize more and more how students surprise me in a good way, when I let them. So I'm learning how to get more out of the way and be less about the checklist and more about being present all together. I think part of that influence is working with more mixed crowds these past two years of international and domestic students, but maybe it is also maturing and realizing there is more to be gained from the collective community than from just me as an individual.

A little peak into the team building exercise 'flip the tarp.' One said "someone didn't jump" and the second time "ok, maybe we all just need to jump higher."

Change

"In ministry as in all of life, there is change. Those who are afraid to embrace change will reign over decay."

This was the opening statement that a pastor shared every night for a week long family camp sometime pre-2001. More than a decade later it has still stuck in my head, not sure many other sermons have in the same way. I would say that on the whole, I fall into the structure-preffered, consistency and routine, type A personality. I used to strongly dislike change. But then I chose the career path of higher education and since 2001 have been on a college campus where things are constantly changing. I still remember my graduate school course discussing organizational theory and Make it Happen asking which of us didn't like change- I raised my hand amongst a few others- and I think his response was something deep like 'you're going to have to get over that.'

Adding a lens to view my work as a growing, ever expanding learning process has allowed me to move from disliking change, to being ok with it happening around me, to actually initiating changes on my own accord. And guess what I've found? It's invigorating! It is a breath of fresh air to try something new that is out of the ordinary 'way it's always been done' model. This week my colleague and I had a two hour brainstorm meeting (something else I used to say that I disliked) about our upcoming fall orientation. It was so exciting to have the freedom to explore changes. As we hire on a new Director this summer I know that there are a lot of transitions still ahead of how our department will shake out. And I am actually excited for those new starts, fresh ideas, different perspectives. When did that happen? Excited by change.