Life in Revision

Yesterday my fantastic wife gave me (Jonathan) a framed copy of the Theodore Roosevelt quote that inspired Daring Greatly.  This past semester my staff and I have been reading the book and discussing how it can impact us.  A little over a week ago I participated in Virginia Tech’s commencement ceremony and was formally “hooded” and received my degree.  I figured it is time to write one more piece on my doctoral journey.  To get caught up to this point, check out this post, this post, and this post.  In summary, I took some really important exams, failed them, worked through that failure and ultimately passed them, but it was messy. 

I love the Advent/Christmas season and its accompanying soundtrack.  I love some of the classic hymns such as “O Holy Night.”  And while contemporary songs seem to struggle to catch some of the depth and meaning of the season, I’m drawn to a rather recent Christmas song called “Snow” by Sleeping at Last.  It is not your usual celebratory, uplifting Christmas song.  While I can’t say what the songwriter’s impetus was for writing the song, personally I hear it as a song of struggle and growth.  Of pain and taking steps for moving forward.  One of my favorite lines is “life without revision will silence our souls.” 

Who are we if we don’t take time to examine our lives and make edit?.  We can’t go back and change choices we made, but we can let those choices inform our future.  I had no intentions of failing my prelims, but a few years later I can see how that experience provided me with a need sense of resiliency.  It demonstrated the importance of my system of support led by my wife and enhanced by my kids, parents, in-laws, colleagues at VT, my Blacksburg community and church, and eventually my Lafayette community and church. 

Just over a year ago, I struggled mightily in my dissertation proposal exam.  Thankfully I did pass it, but it wasn’t pretty.  It was another humbling experience; I had to seek outside help on my writing and even more expanded time on my dissertation.  That led to a fantastic final dissertation defense in June.  My committee was very impressed with my work and that was capped off last week as I got to walk the stage and be hooded by one of the most important people in my story, Frank Shushok.  As we were sitting, waiting for our turn to go on stage, we reflected on my journey.  And he reminded me that despite the hurdles along the way, I’m still the first to graduate from my cohort of five.  His comment was not made in a competitive nature, but rather a reminder of the perils and challenges of a PhD journey.

So I have the title of “Dr.” and three beautiful velvet stripes on my academic regalia.  However, they are both symbols (important symbols nonetheless), of a transformative journey.  Not necessarily the path I would have drawn up in August 2011 when I started the journey, but the journey I needed to take.  A journey of revision after revision.  Because as the refrain of “Snow” states:

Like the petals in our pockets

May we remember who we are
Unconditionally cared for
By those who share our broken hearts

Note:  Sleeping At Last's Christmas Collection, which includes "Snow," can be downloaded for free at noisetrade.com.  

Reflections, The 30s Life, transition, Indiana, PhD Journey

I got to introduce myself to a new Purdue employee tonight and navigate what has been sort of challenging since the move last July. How do I introduce myself to someone who has no knowledge of the 'prior-me' before this moment? I don't have easy boxes to check anymore when I fill out forms to list my employer and field of work. I find myself stumbling over a combination of what I used to do and where I used to live combined with too much information about this old house and the project management I've undertaken in the last year, and that Heath finished up his kindergarten year and he had homework daily that I helped him focus on, and... I think this person was super polite and smiled and found a common ground to ask a follow up question focused on one of my life identities I spewed out. 

When we moved here 11 months ago I really struggled with this introducing myself thing. I don't ever recall including my profession in my first sentence of intro, but without the profession I felt like I stumbled over every word and was judging myself more than others probably even gave a second thought. So I guess I tried to have grace with myself and say it will get easier. But I'm not sure that it has. Perhaps there has been an improvement in my own personal comfort level with how I view my new role at home. Though I still struggle with that identity too, like I am ignoring this other big piece of me. 

I've always been more comfortable with plans vs. ambiguity. I think since becoming a parent and entering my 30s that pendulum has shifted to accept a reality that plans and structure are such an illusion. You can hang on to that organized plan, but I've found letting go and embracing what is makes me a lot happier. This relocation and pause from paid employment I've tried to embrace as an opportunity to reflect and be present, to consider what my values are and prioritize based on that as we establish life in a new place. It is freeing to start with a clean slate and no commitments in your schedule. Most days I really do cherish that gift of time. After 4 years of being the sugar mama, it feels nice to pass that responsibility on to J for a bit. But there are still a lot of days where I feel a bit lost in understanding what I am doing in this season of life. 

A week ago Tuesday Jonathan defended his dissertation, completing all the requirements necessary to earn his PhD. ((CELEBRATE!!!)) While this was of course a huge weight immediately lifted, it has been a slow realization of entering a new season for him, for me, for our family. We said the PhD was going to be the next baby in our family (then we decided to add Reese to our clan after the coursework was done 3 years in). But 5 years of daily work and sacrifice has been made to achieve the accomplishment and it feels weird to let go of the daily work and sacrifice. The last two weekends have felt incredibly long. We have so much family time to fill it is kind of unreal. And so maybe that shift in capacity combined with approaching our first year in Indiana has me doing all kinds of thinking. How DO I want to introduce myself? 

Celebrating a decade: Friendiversary

Facebook reminded Jonathan and I this week that June 1st was our 10 year friendiversary. It was pretty awesome. They captured a few highlights along the decade that we've been "Facebook friends" with our real friendship starting only a couple of months previous to that, but over email. Neither of us were on Facebook at the time and after our cohort members encouraged people to join before we arrived in Texas, we jumped on the wagon. So, after emailing back and forth with this guy for close to three months, not talking on the phone and having no idea what he looks like..... these are the first images I see to be introduced to the one and only Jonathan Manz. 

June 1, 2006 ( a couple of back and forth email exchanges, excerpts copied from longer emails)

J: So I have quickly realized why I was hesitant to join Facebook.  I have already been tagged to a photo that I don't think would be exactly Baylor friendly.  Thankfully you can remove tags that other people put up.

L: I'm glad you clarified that- I was getting a little worried about your drunken frat party photos up there ;)

J: Now let me clarify.  In none of the pictures you see on Facebook am I drunk.  Last week we went and saw an 80s metal cover band and that is where those pictures came from.  We all dressed the part.  Trust me, I don't normally go out in black wife-beaters and bandanas...and it is pretty rare (if ever) to see me drunk. 

L: First I'll say this- it is weird when you've been talking to someone and a month later you see a picture of them. Not that your picture looks unlike what I envisioned in my head, it is just weird to think I have a personality identified in my head, but without a body. So now I have a picture and it will probably be weird again when I associate your voice with everything else in July! I don't have any internet friendships that have begun in that way. I'm a face to face person, none of that random web befriending. 

And if you are wondering what were the first images Jonathan saw of me... I think I made a better first impression ;)

Celebrating a decade- part 2: the introduction

So as email introductions were circulating amongst our cohort, one came through from Melissa Gruver proposing if anyone was interested in a roommate. She offered that she would be relocating from Tennessee, but had done research on the ground while in Waco and had a few leads. I replied to her and we set up a phone date to chat. Mel and I got to know each other over the phone and mastermind total efficiency of getting a lease set up while out of state. We chatted about the interview experience and our impressions of Baylor. I told her I didn't meet anyone because of my delayed schedule and she said she didn't recognize the names on email, except for one. She said 'I met Jonathan Manz and he was a pretty cool guy who is also not from Texas so you should get to know him since we will probably hang out when we are all in Waco.' I said ok and sent an email to Jonathan that week explaining that Mel and I were going to room together and she told me to introduce myself.

Oh how I wish I had this initial email conversation, but we used our work emails (Warner and ATO) and no longer have access. What I recall from that first month of emailing was that I learned Jonathan was living in Indianapolis working at his fraternity's headquarters and had been dating a girl there for several months. So of course off the bat, we know this put him in the friend zone and all getting to know each other conversations had no romantic intentions. We learned that we happened to be reading the same book at that time, Donald Miller's "Searching for God know's what." We kept each other abreast of what chapter we were on and processed with each other over email like our own little book club. As it turns out, shared reading was about to become our own love language, stimulating our brains and sparking great conversation. You might see where this is leading since we were about to embark on a 2 year academic journey that involved a lot of reading and discussing.

Celebrating a decade!

This spring marks a whole 10 years that have been lived since I first crossed paths with Jonathan Manz. A decade!! Because I like to reflect, I thought I'd take this season to do some walking down memory lane via the blog. Because J and I were first introduced online, it is pretty great to have a few snipits of our email dialogue archived that I can also access and smile.

So, the context:
Fall 2005
I was working in the admissions office at my alma mater, Warner Pacific College, in Portland, Oregon. I was exploring graduate schools to stay in the field of higher education and work in student affairs. All of the programs I had looked at early on did not require a GRE score for admission so I was not studying for that exam. My supervisor (and mentor) at the time, Shmackey, suggested I take a look at Baylor University's program because of their work with Strengths and she knew Eileen Hulmes who was just transitioning out of their VPSA role. Texas didn't feel to foreign because my Uncle and family were living in the DFW area which is an hour+ north of Waco. So I took a look over that winter break and loved what I saw built into the holistic curriculum of student development. But of course they required a GRE score and the application deadline was quickly approaching so I signed up to take that test and got my stuff in order.

February 2006
I was invited by Baylor's program to attend the interview weekend in Waco and meet with faculty as well as prospective graduate assistant supervisors. Unfortunately, the dates overlapped with a conference I would already be attending in Tulsa, OK for work about database software. Thankfully though, I was able to arrange my travel dates to extend my time in the middle of the country to loop down to Texas and back up before coming back home to Oregon. The Baylor folks were generous in letting me come to campus the following Monday after the rest of the potential cohort members had already participated in the weekend events. So while I was on campus late, I did not have a chance to meet any potential grad students.

???
My cohort friends will have to help me fill in the timeline here- late February? March 2006? we learned who was accepted into the program to begin Fall 2006. Emails began circulating with introductions of who we all were and where we were coming from. The group was pretty dominant with Texans and Baylor undergrads. But there was a small contingency of us others, relocating from out of state, who would be building a new community from scratch.

Indiana Life Update

Yesterday marked 2 months that we have lived in our Indiana home. It was also the first day that I got bored at home. Since we moved from Virginia in late July things have been rolling with the final month of summer and exploring the area pools and parks, craigslisting to find some key furniture for our new space, and then of course the actual move in and unpacking after we honeymooned on Purdue’s campus for 4 weeks until closing. In the midst of that our firstborn also started his formal education journey in kindergarten! (22 more ‘grades’ to go we tell him to match daddy or 18 to mama)

Heath

We had our first parent-teacher conference last night with Heath’s kindergarten teacher and heard great feedback that he is excelling in the measured categories of learning and has been great to have as part of the class. This came as a huge relief because we have been having behavioral challenges at home with him since the move… really once we said we were moving back in June. He started regressing with his bathroom usage and has been flat out ignoring us as we talk or disobeying basic family rules (we don’t jump on furniture, wash your hands after using the bathroom, etc). A lot of mornings have been a struggle to get Heath up, dressed, fed and out the door. Once we get out the door and in the fresh air his attitude is always a positive one, but man is that first hour of the day a doozie! His teacher said that Heath is such a happy kid and is always positive, you can tell he is loved at home, and has a great sense of humor. The few days he has been moved to ‘yellow’ (on the behavior chart) are because he hasn’t followed the rule of staying silent in the hallway. She asked if he likes to make sounds a lot at home with his mouth? Um yes, understatement. He is constantly humming a tune or playing mouth trumpet or scatting. She said Heath is on the younger end of the class spectrum having only turned 5 two months before the cutoff, so a lot of his behavior in class seems very normal to her and part of his age development. (Side note- totally blessed to have a kindergarten teacher who is raising three boys of her own) Of course he is smart and doing great in reading comprehension, writing and math, but I was most pleased to hear that he is respectful to his classmates and his joy is being noticed!

Heath and his good friend Mariel from kindergarten

A week ago it felt like a breaking point in Heath’s behavior and I reached out to a few of our friends to pray him through Monday morning and a new week at school and home. We also reached out to friends on Facebook to help support the 3-5pm witching hour at home post-school by sending some mail to fill his love bucket. I contacted the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at Purdue (an insurance benefit I am a huge advocate of!) to set up a play therapy meeting for Heath with a counselor later this month. I felt overwhelmed with the parent role and was staring at Jonathan’s upcoming work travel where he would be gone 12 of the next 15 days. Of course I felt overwhelming support from all of you and relief that our tool belt would be expanding on how to help Heath during this season. What I was not expecting at the conference last night was his teacher to note that just in the last week there has felt like a maturity with Heath that he has had better control over his body (song bursts!) and asked if I had done anything different over the last week in particular. Praise God!

Leaf cleaning day

Reese

Reese has broken two more teeth in this month and has two bottom ones that are fighting to get through (ugh). Last I wrote she was doing the newborn waking thing all through the night and we were moving her into the guest room. She is gladly back in her bed and mostly making it through the night sleeping with the last couple days of exception due to I think teething pains. Reese’s vocabulary is really exploding lately and her ability to communicate with it! She enjoys watching a baby signing video and has started to do the sign before they show it. Yesterday when we were walking she told me to ‘stop’ and I didn’t right away until she followed up her stop with a second STOP and used the sign for it at the same time. She was pretty proud of herself. She loves to walk Heath to school in the mornings and give him a hug and a kiss goodbye. On the walk home she plays shy with the crossing guards but when we get to our neighbor’s porch she yells “MORNING!” or “HI!” as they sit and drink their coffee. Then she wants to stop at our other neighbor’s yard and “wing, wing” (swing). So we usually do that for a bit before eventually making it home. Reese is enjoying playing with some of the other neighborhood kiddos who are home during the day as the parents arrange for some regular together time for kid socialization and parent sanity. We visit the library reading time weekly where she is participating more and more in the songs and movements. We grocery shop Monday mornings at Aldi where she is becoming known due to their lack of a radio and Reese providing the music instead. (I’m seeing a theme in our kids)

Riding the City Bus one afternoon post-school per Heath's request

Free bus riding fun!

Us
During our walk to the school conference yesterday J and I got actual alone grown up time- thank you to our neighbors who kept the kids for a bit! He asked me where my thoughts were on exploring work. It is something I thought about a lot yesterday because I was bored for the first time. I have been getting notifications of job postings at Purdue and while some have even matched my skill set and would be a similar or stepping stone on the career path I’ve been taking, I have not felt compelled to apply. Mostly my thoughts on that have centered around our family quality of life right now and when I compare it to what I was balancing when working at VT, I don’t want to go back to that. For 4 years it is what we did and did not feel bad, it just was what it was- we both worked and J studied, we did the full time childcare thing and we felt supported. But it also felt crazy and rushed, especially M-F after work until bedtime. Life now does not feel even a drop of that. I told J I like this version of myself better. I am beginning to see where I have open time and capacity now that we are in a rhythm, and I definitely would love to make money again, but I’m not willing to sacrifice the quality of life our family has now. So I’m keeping an eye out for what something part time could be, but also realize that impacts Reese and needing to pay out for childcare, which may not be fiscally logical, but we shall see. I’m also embracing where God has me right now in this season and trying to not rush into something just to feel the old normal of working.

Siblings hanging out at a camp while dad worked

And the PhD journey is celebrating an important marker November 9th when J will have his prospectus. A term that means having his committee read his first 3 chapters of his dissertation and discuss with him any feedback. It is sort of like a mini-defense to check that he is on track with where the research is headed. Jonathan could probably write his own blog post for the challenges it has been just to get this thing scheduled (he has been ready since May), but I'll just sum it up to say my husband continues to amaze me with his patience and grace. He has leaned into his Harmony strength and continues to persevere on all matters PhD!

Traveling North, part 2

So day 2 of the journey to Indiana we got a good start with breakfast at the hotel after a restful night. We were loaded by around 8am and headed north for what we expected to be the other 'half' of the journey to West Lafayette, totaling 4 more hours. Wrong assumption. We made it about an hour and just outside of Xenia, Ohio the brakes in our Altima went out.

We were traveling on a stretch of highway that had a few stoplights and after slowing down for one of these lights, Jonathan made a jerky move of the wheel to the left and hit the e-brake. I said 'what happened?!' He said, 'I just lost the brakes.' There were a few cars stopped in front of us and a few behind us. Thankfully Jonathan's reaction after he tap, tap, tapped the brakes and no response was to merge over into a center median to avoid hitting someone or getting hit. After the cars passed us at the green light, we made our way across two lanes and turned right at the light to pull over where we could see a little more shoulder on that side of the road.

Jonathan called his dad. I called our insurance for a tow. The kids sat in the backseat entertaining themselves. We had some locals stop and see if we needed any help. After we arranged for the tow, we noticed there was a parking lot across from us at the entrance of a park so we got the kids out and waited over there safely. Another local stopped to see if we needed any help. Jonathan called the repair show that insurance told us they would tow us to and they unfortunately said the could not work on it today if we came there, it would be at least until tomorrow, but they recommended another shop. J called there and they shared the same. Then we googled.

When the tow truck showed up, Heath was beyond excited for the experience of watching our car get lifted onto the bed. Our driver said the shop we googled would not be his first choice, but that he'd call shop #2. We said they were full. He said, I'll call. And he did, and they told him to come on over. During this time, another local stopped to see if we needed any help and offered a ride for us. Heath was determined to ride in the tow truck as already promised, but Reese and I opted for the back seat of these strangers, Jackie and Jack. They had just come back from breakfast at Cracker Barrell and were headed out for a drive, they *happened* to have a car seat in their back seat that is usually occupied by their 2 year old grandson. So Reese got to enjoy her first forward facing car seat experience on this 8 minute drive to the shop.

The repair shop was able to offer a quick assessment when they got the wheel off and see that our brake line had come loose from the front and then caught in the wheel, puncturing it and draining all of the brake fluid. They called around to find the tube part needing replacement from the left side and a shop within an hour *happened* to have one left side tube remaining (no right sides in). They said it'd be a couple hours. Jackie and Jack said they would take us to a shopping area north of town that had a water fountain the kids could play in and plenty of places to walk around and eat. They offered us their stroller from the trunk. They gave us their phone numbers to call them when we needed a ride back to the shop. They *happened* to have Thomas the Train books from the library in the back seat of their car so as the 4 of us crammed back there tried to entertain the kids we had material! It was closer to 20 minutes to the shopping place, but well worth it.

Heath loved exploring the fountain!

We grabbed lunch at Chipotle, Reese took a nap on me in the carrier, we looked at a bookstore and then the shop called that all was ready to go! So we called our new friends Jackie and Jack who promptly came to shuttle us around town again. They said they drove by us on the side of the road and noticed our out of state license plates and thought 'they probably don't have anyone local they can call' so they did a u-turn about a mile passed us to come back around and see if we needed anything. And they were persistent helpers! We got them a gift card to the fro-yo place at the shopping center where they said they loved to take their grandson. Small thank you for a BIG blessing.

Have mama, will nap.

So after 5 extra hours in Ohio, we set back on the road with a functioning car to take us the remaining 3 hours to Purdue's campus, getting in close to 5pm. We ordered pizza for dinner (it was Friday night after all- a weekly Manz fam tradition). And we all crashed shortly after that in our temporary apartment here until we close on our house next month (8/20). We are grateful for the prayers of safety covering us on our journey and the traveling mercies we experienced. For your brakes to go out on a highway, we know this was the best possible provision where our whole family was safe and the damage to the car and our pocketbook was minimal. It was all part of the adventure and only took a bit more time, something we had plenty of as we entered this week of stay-cation time in our new hometown!

As we crossed the border, Heath chants "Indiana, Indiana, Indiana.... COOOOOOORRRRRRNNNNNNNN!"

Traveling North! part 1

So we have made the move to Indiana! We are settled into our temporary apartment on Purdue's campus for the next 4 weeks until the purchase of our Lafayette home closes August 20th. These last few days are already a blur, but we know we need to document all the craziness of transition!

We got a family dinner at the duck pond in during our final week! As an added bonus, we bumped into VT President Tim and Dr. Laura Sands walking and had a nice chit chat about our move to Boiler country where they just came from last year. Lots of good things happening at Purdue and VT! It was fun to hear their interest in our family relocating and asking about neighborhoods and Heath starting kindergarten.

Loving the duck pond

Reese was fearless walking right into the ducks with her 'Superman' run

Friday, July 17th Jonathan and I both worked our last day at Virginia Tech and said our goodbyes to our work community. We grabbed some delicious food at Souvlaki's and sat on Henderson Lawn to enjoy our last free Friday night concert downtown.

Thanks Dave for being the last parent standing with energy Friday night!

Saturday and Sunday we enjoyed with our friends, hanging at the Children's museum and going to church. It was a beautiful break of not packing and soaking in the last of our weekend with community. We were incredibly blessed by our New Life friends who shared well wishes Sunday morning and the Chinn's hosted a farewell celebration in the afternoon, which we tallied a grand 6 hours of leisurely eating, socializing, s'more making and laughter. It was a great Sunday.

Post bath and pre-story night at the Chinns' Sunday

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday the kids went to daycare as usual while J and I worked all day long packing up the house. We were reminded how much we appreciate the staff at Rainbow Riders and how they give our kids love and consistency, even when home is crazy and boxes are everywhere. Tuesday was a rough packing day as I got discouraged trying to load the kitchen up- nothing fits in any box! And we discovered that our stash of boxes under the house we had planned to use were completely useless as they got wet and moldy- yuck! This included our tv box, which was kind of an important one to have proper packaging for in the move. So we made a plan to purchase more boxes and in the middle of all that got an email from our mortgage officer in Indiana that a signature was needed on a form. With no printer or scanner in sight, we headed over to the Chinn's to handle business. As we got there Wendy had just received an Amazon shipment for a new printer that came in a larger shipping box 2x as big as the printer box. Daisy was playing in it as we eyed it up for measurement. We took it home and the box could not have fit our TV any better! Praise God for that provision!

Thursday morning the movers arrived at 8am to load up the UPack (ABF) trailer that was dropped off the day before. Hiring these three movers to load in all our stuff after we had invested 3 days of packing it all was the wisest choice ever (behind keeping our kids in daycare 3 days that week). It was amazing to have them handle it all while I offered information and Gatorade. Jonathan took the kids out of the house for a morning of breakfast and play at Chik-fil-A and the library. We were all loaded by 11:30am and I had swept the house out as instructed in our seller's agreement. We took a family selfie in front of the loaded trailer and then hauled our tired bodies into the silver bullet, loaded down with a carrier on top stowing all of our 4 week needs. We waved goodbye to our first house, the street and then the town as we got on the highway and headed north!

Reese fell asleep in the car shortly after we left and Heath did his usual self-entertainment of song creating and talking. It was a smooth drive, despite some physical and emotional exhaustion settling in as the day went. We stopped in Chillicothe, Ohio for the night and had dinner at a local drive in that's been around a few decades, Sumburgers. The food was good, but the kids were tired and Heath had a complete refusal of obedience which led to a meltdown by Reese, me taking Heath out of the restaurant and then us quickly paying the bill to go to the hotel, thankfully only 5 blocks over. Despite the light outside, the kids went down near their usual 7pm bedtime after a quick bath and with the boys in one double bed and the girls in the other, we were all asleep quickly. I'm feeling tired again just thinking of that day, it was a rough one. . . . so part 2 of the journey we will share later!

Life updates: Kids, PhD, Job Search

KIDS:
Sunday, February 8th, Reese turned 1!

We celebrated that morning with a family pancake breakfast! She delighted in being sung to.

Her birth day was filled with beautiful sunshine that we enjoyed at the park.

And the following work week I told my pump

we broke up, and it feels amazing.
Reese is still nursing in the morning, when I get her at the end of a work day, and usually once more before bedtime. It's been a positive breastfeeding experience, but I was ready to ditch that pump and at 12 months old now, her diet is expanding daily. She has been sleeping in the kids' room and through the night for the past month and a half now and that has been glorious! Especially fun when they wake up together in the mornings and have self-entertained while mom and dad pretend like we are sleeping a little longer. This is what I found last weekend when I went in.

Reese was climbing all over Heath

Heath was reading her the Frozen book and had the CD playing

They have really been great siblings for each other recently, enjoying in a lot more shared playtime. We still have to explain to Heath that Reese is younger and doesn't understand that she is 'tearing up the airport runway' or 'blocking his racetrack path.' Heath has made up more songs for Reese which she enjoys with a smile, usually a rocking back and forth and sometimes attempts to join him. Yesterday he sung to her "Reese Jean I love you, you are my best girl!" My heart melted.

J'S DISSERTATION
Jonathan is making great progress this semester! He has recently received access to the database he is using for his dissertation (a nice bonus that it is paid for through a research scholarship he received!). His dissertation is 5 chapters and he has the first two 'completed' and progress made on the third. The database will help to fill the content of the remaining chapters four and five. He will have to go before his faculty after chapter three is done and complete another passing marker before the formal defense of the whole dissertation which we expect to be late spring semester.

JOB SEARCH
With J wrapping up his PhD program, his graduate assistantship will expire this May, prompting the 'what's next?' question. Another round of a dual career search for the Manz fam! :) Our field of higher education typically posts and hires through the spring season, February- April for a first cycle of positions posted. Then there is another wave after all those people shuffle and another wave later summer. So we have been bracing ourselves for the roller coaster that is the job search. We have been thankful for the opportunities at Virginia Tech and would welcome if those opportunities for us both continued, but have to be diligent in making this dual job search a broad one nationally.

This year I've been able to co-lead a committee around our aspiration for student learning: Pursue Self-Understanding and Integrity. I was sharing with the committee that it seems a job search places you in the perfect spot to embrace this self reflection in understanding who you are, what energizes you, what you feel called to while also holding to the integrity of applying those inner answers into the roles for which you apply. It would be easy to mass produce cover letters and jump at any job that your qualifications meet, or that the salary seems appealing. I'm finding the quiet reflection time where I listen to my heart and pray for God's calling for our family leaves me in a place of peace much greater than the rat race that is anxiety inducing. It is still early in the search season, but you can hold me to keeping that perspective and not losing focus- on my faith, in my values of family and well-being.

I failed… and that helped me succeed.

On Thursday, February 20th, I had my oral exam…again. And if you aren’t familiar with what brought me to this point, check out here and here*. However, this time was different, I passed. And I didn’t simply just-get-by, or, do-just-enough, I knocked it out. As in, it was a 450 foot blast to deep right center. One faculty member said that he has never seen such a dramatic turn around in just six months. So what was the difference? Why was my performance miserable in September, but outstanding on Thursday? Well, here is my best attempt at explaining this phenomenon.

Proof that I passed!

In reflecting on my recent success, it wasn’t one moment that helped me reach this point, rather it was a journey (overused metaphor alert!). It began with having breakfast with Frank the morning after my first attempt at the exam. After sharing everything, Frank looked at me and said, “You’re here to get this degree, so that is what you are going to do.” From there I sat down with Lyndsy and sketched out my supporters. 

You see, just like the old saying “it takes a village to raise a child,” education is not an individual journey. Having different types of supporters, from those willing to converse about the topics I was studying to those who were cheerleaders, kept me moving even when momentum was dying. So here is a list, and it’s not exhaustive (so I apologize if I accidentally left you off), of all those who in some way, supported me along the way:

Lyndsy, Frank, Adam Stafford, Eleanor Finger, Frances Keene, Martha Glass, Jamie Penven, my parents and family, Lyndsy’s parents and family (especially Brenda!), Claire Robbins, Patty Perillo, David and Wendy Chinn, Joe Racek, Crystal Fink, Lucas Johnson, Suzie Baker, Delight Yokely, Nicole Johnson, Sam Albimino, my church family, my neighbors…

All those people, plus many more, are playing a role in my education.

My Family celebrated my success. Heath was represented by a pic from my phone.

I’m certainly thankful to have completed my exams and to have done them so well. Not passing the exams in September, certainly contributed to my success. As I stated in my first post, “Fail Faster,” it is through (sometimes repeated) failure that can often lead to success. The key is embracing that failure and using that new knowledge to help garner success.
This experience is still very fresh. I can’t honestly say that I am completely comfortable with how things played out and I don’t think I’ve finished reflecting on it. Yes, it would have been much nicer to have passed the exam the first time. Maybe with time I will realize how much I have learned from this experience and appreciate it more. Now, I will celebrate this success, and use it for motivation to reach my next goal…a successful dissertation defense!

For those curious of my next step, I’m officially ABD – all but dissertation. First I need to solidify my dissertation chair and my topic. From there I work towards developing my prospectus, which is the first three chapters of my dissertation (introduction, literature review, and methodology). I then defend my prospectus in front of my committee. After a successful defense, I will have permission to collect my data and analyze it and develop my conclusions – which are chapters three and four. I then have my dissertation defense. Unlike my prelim defense, I will not have a prospectus or dissertation defense until my chair is confident that I will pass.

Ideally all these steps will happen in the next year to allow me to graduate next May. However, for many students the dissertation phase is quite challenging because for their first time ever in their academic career, they don’t have deadlines (tests, assignments, etc.) that they have to meet. I’m going to strive to develop and keep aschedule and work with a few colleagues to hold each other accountable. While the dissertation is a major undertaking, the finish line is much closer than it was in August 2011. Marching forward…

*I'm having a hard time getting the links to work correctly.  Here are the two posts referenced:
Post 1:  http://jonathanandlyndsy.blogspot.com/2013/09/fail-faster.html
Post 2:  http://jonathanandlyndsy.blogspot.com/2014/01/battered-but-in-arena-reflections-on-my.html

Battered, but in the Arena: Reflections on My Prelim Journey

Hi friends, its me, Jonathan, here.  The less vocal member of the Manz Fam blog.  As I prepare to enter round 2 of prelims, I thought I would reflect what I have learned so far from my unsuccessful first attempt in August and September.   For context, see this post.  Since my stomach began to turn a little as I started writing this post, I can tell that I am still processing it and have a range of emotions. 

Since I started my last post with a Brené Brown quote, I think it is fitting start with another here…well technically it is a quote of a quote from her book Daring Greatly:

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

Because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

Who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…

            -Theodore Roosevelt

First and foremost, I continue to remember how much I’m loved.  My wife who offers endless support, who helps me set and keep goals, and keeps me focused.  Heath, who loves me simply as “daddy” and where titles and degrees have no meaning for him.  He’s just looking for me to be a good “snuggle buddy.”  My parents who continue to offer physical support by coming to town and helping run the household during our busiest time periods.  And my mother-in-law who excitedly created and helped disburse Team Jonathan bracelets and I’m pretty sure I hear her praying all the way from California to Virginia. 

Since September I formed a practice prelim committee.  The idea was to replicate the writing and oral exam experience again for practice (you know, I have to take the prelims for a second time, why not simulate a third time just for kicks).   I’m extremely grateful for Frank, Jamie, Frances, and Martha who took the time to each offer a practice prelim question, review all my responses, and then prepare themselves to facilitate a practice oral exam.   

So this is where I stand at the moment.  The written prelims are January 23^rd and 24^th.  My oral exam is 9:00am on February 20^th.  Somewhere in between those dates a baby is due to arrive.  I’ve continued to prepare all fall for prelims, but it has been a little tougher.  One, I’m a little drained.  I started this process in April and never dreamed that I would still be preparing in January.  Deep down, I still have some nagging doubt that likes to rear its head every once and awhile and say “you’re not capable of passing this thing.”  What if I emerge from the arena not with “the triumph high achievement,” but instead with failure?

On the other side, I feel much more calm going into the written exams than I did last time.  Somewhat strangely calm.  It’s a weird juxtaposition – to have a balance between fear and calmness. 

So I don’t know what the next month and a half has to hold for me.  I’m really working hard on not letting my identity be tied to my achievements or lack thereof.  But that isn’t easy.  I do know that I will get the joy of welcoming a new baby into the world!  My family – that is something I can proudly associate with my identity. 

Blessing and Curses

This morning's message at church was under the umbrella of our series on 'Blessing.' Going the non-traditional route, our speaker chose to talk about how God's blessings can sometimes feel like curses. We looked at the close alignment in Scripture of these two juxtaposed ideas of blessing and curse, specific to the desert wanderers in Deuteronomy. Steve shared something that I've heard before, but was a needed reminder in this life season, that 'sometimes God blesses us by not giving us what we want.'

I feel like in a lot of ways I am still mourning the outcome of J's prelims last month. It's been a tough position to be in as sojourner/partner in marriage and in the PhD program. I want to continue providing my support as Team Jonathan moves ahead, while also not ignoring my feelings of disappointment. And it seems like there are more ways that arise for me as a reminder of that loss than say for Team Cheerleader, my mom in California. Whether it is an additional study session for J during the work day or a late night reading time- the prep stage that I had thought was going to be done in September is ongoing... until January 23rd and 24th when the written retake is.

So as I reflected this morning on the juxtaposition of what feels like a curse in my hoped-for timeline, I counted my blessings in this season. I am ~25 weeks along in a healthy pregnancy carrying a beautiful baby girl (we got to see her on an ultrasound scan two weeks ago, she is lovely). After experiencing a miscarriage earlier this year, I am keenly aware of how God has blessed us with this pregnancy. Viewing baby girl on the screen this month and measuring every single healthy bone and heart chamber and brain hemisphere was a wonderful assurance of God's provision.

So when I think about the prelim retake in late January and a due window of late January to mid-February it is really easy for me to forget the blessing of the healthy growing baby inside me and instead view the curse of the calendar. I was reading through my reflections back in the spring after the miscarriage and how hopeful I felt, trusting that this would not be the end of our story. And I think I stand in that same place today- not knowing at all how the story will be written, but trusting that blessing will come out of this season in our life. I hope that when both Jonathan and I share our vulnerability and reflections with each other and with our community, we are living out this Henri Nouwen quote “In true community we are windows offering each other new views on the mystery of God’s presence in our lives.”
 

Heath is pretty excited for 'baby sister' to join the family. Maybe she will bring good luck with her for next season!

Student Affairs Reflecting

Today I spent my Sunday with some pretty incredible student leaders who have given up two weeks of their summer break to come back early and serve. Not to get paid money, nor a meal plan, nor a bookstore gift card (though I hope a budget in the future could provide such things). But to come back and live out the university's motto of Ut Prosim, that I may serve, for the benefit of the ~800 new undergraduate and graduate international students who will join the Hokie community this fall. I printed business cards for them and gave them a tshirt and a polo shirt, and you would have thought it was a 40K salary with benefits. Bless them for being so gracious with their time!

This August in particular I was hopeful of the return of these 28 student leaders to join me and lift the load. We are ten months deep now without a Director and earlier this month my colleague ditched me for a way cuter 8 lb newborn for the next few months. In the last week though I have gained my incredibly amazing graduate assistant (GA) for the year and this weekend the student leaders who will all take these orientation plans and put them into action. What a wonderful wave of energy.

As we went through the retreat today I had a few reflections on how my approach as a professional has changed since year one (8 yrs ago).

• My schedule of the day looked less like a military breakdown in 30 minute intervals and more of a loose outline of goal topics to cover with the ~ approximate symbol used more than once for a time estimate at three hour markers. 
• I shared an overview of topics we'd cover, but didn't print out a detailed schedule for everyone to follow along. 
• When the team building strategy activity was going on, I didn't interrupt when it got hard for them. I didn't interject with more information or suggestive hints. I watched them work through more uncomfortableness and frustration and supported my GA as she facilitated the activity seamlessly. 
• When they split into small groups I let my GA float and I took a 10 minute introvert break outside in the garden. I didn't hover.

I think each year in this field I realize more and more how students surprise me in a good way, when I let them. So I'm learning how to get more out of the way and be less about the checklist and more about being present all together. I think part of that influence is working with more mixed crowds these past two years of international and domestic students, but maybe it is also maturing and realizing there is more to be gained from the collective community than from just me as an individual.

A little peak into the team building exercise 'flip the tarp.' One said "someone didn't jump" and the second time "ok, maybe we all just need to jump higher."