Life in Revision

Yesterday my fantastic wife gave me (Jonathan) a framed copy of the Theodore Roosevelt quote that inspired Daring Greatly.  This past semester my staff and I have been reading the book and discussing how it can impact us.  A little over a week ago I participated in Virginia Tech’s commencement ceremony and was formally “hooded” and received my degree.  I figured it is time to write one more piece on my doctoral journey.  To get caught up to this point, check out this post, this post, and this post.  In summary, I took some really important exams, failed them, worked through that failure and ultimately passed them, but it was messy. 

I love the Advent/Christmas season and its accompanying soundtrack.  I love some of the classic hymns such as “O Holy Night.”  And while contemporary songs seem to struggle to catch some of the depth and meaning of the season, I’m drawn to a rather recent Christmas song called “Snow” by Sleeping at Last.  It is not your usual celebratory, uplifting Christmas song.  While I can’t say what the songwriter’s impetus was for writing the song, personally I hear it as a song of struggle and growth.  Of pain and taking steps for moving forward.  One of my favorite lines is “life without revision will silence our souls.” 

Who are we if we don’t take time to examine our lives and make edit?.  We can’t go back and change choices we made, but we can let those choices inform our future.  I had no intentions of failing my prelims, but a few years later I can see how that experience provided me with a need sense of resiliency.  It demonstrated the importance of my system of support led by my wife and enhanced by my kids, parents, in-laws, colleagues at VT, my Blacksburg community and church, and eventually my Lafayette community and church. 

Just over a year ago, I struggled mightily in my dissertation proposal exam.  Thankfully I did pass it, but it wasn’t pretty.  It was another humbling experience; I had to seek outside help on my writing and even more expanded time on my dissertation.  That led to a fantastic final dissertation defense in June.  My committee was very impressed with my work and that was capped off last week as I got to walk the stage and be hooded by one of the most important people in my story, Frank Shushok.  As we were sitting, waiting for our turn to go on stage, we reflected on my journey.  And he reminded me that despite the hurdles along the way, I’m still the first to graduate from my cohort of five.  His comment was not made in a competitive nature, but rather a reminder of the perils and challenges of a PhD journey.

So I have the title of “Dr.” and three beautiful velvet stripes on my academic regalia.  However, they are both symbols (important symbols nonetheless), of a transformative journey.  Not necessarily the path I would have drawn up in August 2011 when I started the journey, but the journey I needed to take.  A journey of revision after revision.  Because as the refrain of “Snow” states:

Like the petals in our pockets

May we remember who we are
Unconditionally cared for
By those who share our broken hearts

Note:  Sleeping At Last's Christmas Collection, which includes "Snow," can be downloaded for free at noisetrade.com.  

Reflections, The 30s Life, transition, Indiana, PhD Journey

I got to introduce myself to a new Purdue employee tonight and navigate what has been sort of challenging since the move last July. How do I introduce myself to someone who has no knowledge of the 'prior-me' before this moment? I don't have easy boxes to check anymore when I fill out forms to list my employer and field of work. I find myself stumbling over a combination of what I used to do and where I used to live combined with too much information about this old house and the project management I've undertaken in the last year, and that Heath finished up his kindergarten year and he had homework daily that I helped him focus on, and... I think this person was super polite and smiled and found a common ground to ask a follow up question focused on one of my life identities I spewed out. 

When we moved here 11 months ago I really struggled with this introducing myself thing. I don't ever recall including my profession in my first sentence of intro, but without the profession I felt like I stumbled over every word and was judging myself more than others probably even gave a second thought. So I guess I tried to have grace with myself and say it will get easier. But I'm not sure that it has. Perhaps there has been an improvement in my own personal comfort level with how I view my new role at home. Though I still struggle with that identity too, like I am ignoring this other big piece of me. 

I've always been more comfortable with plans vs. ambiguity. I think since becoming a parent and entering my 30s that pendulum has shifted to accept a reality that plans and structure are such an illusion. You can hang on to that organized plan, but I've found letting go and embracing what is makes me a lot happier. This relocation and pause from paid employment I've tried to embrace as an opportunity to reflect and be present, to consider what my values are and prioritize based on that as we establish life in a new place. It is freeing to start with a clean slate and no commitments in your schedule. Most days I really do cherish that gift of time. After 4 years of being the sugar mama, it feels nice to pass that responsibility on to J for a bit. But there are still a lot of days where I feel a bit lost in understanding what I am doing in this season of life. 

A week ago Tuesday Jonathan defended his dissertation, completing all the requirements necessary to earn his PhD. ((CELEBRATE!!!)) While this was of course a huge weight immediately lifted, it has been a slow realization of entering a new season for him, for me, for our family. We said the PhD was going to be the next baby in our family (then we decided to add Reese to our clan after the coursework was done 3 years in). But 5 years of daily work and sacrifice has been made to achieve the accomplishment and it feels weird to let go of the daily work and sacrifice. The last two weekends have felt incredibly long. We have so much family time to fill it is kind of unreal. And so maybe that shift in capacity combined with approaching our first year in Indiana has me doing all kinds of thinking. How DO I want to introduce myself? 

Life updates: Kids, PhD, Job Search

KIDS:
Sunday, February 8th, Reese turned 1!

We celebrated that morning with a family pancake breakfast! She delighted in being sung to.

Her birth day was filled with beautiful sunshine that we enjoyed at the park.

And the following work week I told my pump

we broke up, and it feels amazing.
Reese is still nursing in the morning, when I get her at the end of a work day, and usually once more before bedtime. It's been a positive breastfeeding experience, but I was ready to ditch that pump and at 12 months old now, her diet is expanding daily. She has been sleeping in the kids' room and through the night for the past month and a half now and that has been glorious! Especially fun when they wake up together in the mornings and have self-entertained while mom and dad pretend like we are sleeping a little longer. This is what I found last weekend when I went in.

Reese was climbing all over Heath

Heath was reading her the Frozen book and had the CD playing

They have really been great siblings for each other recently, enjoying in a lot more shared playtime. We still have to explain to Heath that Reese is younger and doesn't understand that she is 'tearing up the airport runway' or 'blocking his racetrack path.' Heath has made up more songs for Reese which she enjoys with a smile, usually a rocking back and forth and sometimes attempts to join him. Yesterday he sung to her "Reese Jean I love you, you are my best girl!" My heart melted.

J'S DISSERTATION
Jonathan is making great progress this semester! He has recently received access to the database he is using for his dissertation (a nice bonus that it is paid for through a research scholarship he received!). His dissertation is 5 chapters and he has the first two 'completed' and progress made on the third. The database will help to fill the content of the remaining chapters four and five. He will have to go before his faculty after chapter three is done and complete another passing marker before the formal defense of the whole dissertation which we expect to be late spring semester.

JOB SEARCH
With J wrapping up his PhD program, his graduate assistantship will expire this May, prompting the 'what's next?' question. Another round of a dual career search for the Manz fam! :) Our field of higher education typically posts and hires through the spring season, February- April for a first cycle of positions posted. Then there is another wave after all those people shuffle and another wave later summer. So we have been bracing ourselves for the roller coaster that is the job search. We have been thankful for the opportunities at Virginia Tech and would welcome if those opportunities for us both continued, but have to be diligent in making this dual job search a broad one nationally.

This year I've been able to co-lead a committee around our aspiration for student learning: Pursue Self-Understanding and Integrity. I was sharing with the committee that it seems a job search places you in the perfect spot to embrace this self reflection in understanding who you are, what energizes you, what you feel called to while also holding to the integrity of applying those inner answers into the roles for which you apply. It would be easy to mass produce cover letters and jump at any job that your qualifications meet, or that the salary seems appealing. I'm finding the quiet reflection time where I listen to my heart and pray for God's calling for our family leaves me in a place of peace much greater than the rat race that is anxiety inducing. It is still early in the search season, but you can hold me to keeping that perspective and not losing focus- on my faith, in my values of family and well-being.

The PhD candidate update!

It's easy to get lost in the PhD journey and understand where the markers are and what is still ahead. So we thought we'd update where Jonathan is in the process!

Having successfully passed his prelims in February, he now has the honored distinction of being a PhD candidate (not just a student). Its also known as being ABD (all but dissertation). Since then he has been focused on his dissertation, having completed all of the program's coursework. Over the summer he was narrowing down his topic and looking at many databases that have existing data he could use for a quantitative study. With his focus in place, through many drafts, he submitted his argument to his advisor- this is a 7 sentence summary of the purpose of his dissertation. Since that was finalized he has been reading and writing, gathering his first chapter (out of five). Last week he submitted his first completed chapter!! There are still feedback and edit loops in his future, but getting that chunk handed in is a huge feat and a great step of progress! Four more to go...  :)

Throughout this academic year, J is still holding down his 20 hours a week Graduate Assistantship which has him involved in a lot of great projects throughout the Division of Student Affairs. So his week gets filled with meetings and presentations, keeping him connected to people, while carving out his research and writing time during the hours the rest of us are occupied at work and daycare. The greatest thing about this season for me has been enjoying our evening and weekend family hours together as J isn't tapping out to go study.

Granted, my goal of making it through the series of Cheers on Netflix is suffering with this attentiveness I'm getting from my husband, but I'm ok with it. ;)

I failed… and that helped me succeed.

On Thursday, February 20th, I had my oral exam…again. And if you aren’t familiar with what brought me to this point, check out here and here*. However, this time was different, I passed. And I didn’t simply just-get-by, or, do-just-enough, I knocked it out. As in, it was a 450 foot blast to deep right center. One faculty member said that he has never seen such a dramatic turn around in just six months. So what was the difference? Why was my performance miserable in September, but outstanding on Thursday? Well, here is my best attempt at explaining this phenomenon.

Proof that I passed!

In reflecting on my recent success, it wasn’t one moment that helped me reach this point, rather it was a journey (overused metaphor alert!). It began with having breakfast with Frank the morning after my first attempt at the exam. After sharing everything, Frank looked at me and said, “You’re here to get this degree, so that is what you are going to do.” From there I sat down with Lyndsy and sketched out my supporters. 

You see, just like the old saying “it takes a village to raise a child,” education is not an individual journey. Having different types of supporters, from those willing to converse about the topics I was studying to those who were cheerleaders, kept me moving even when momentum was dying. So here is a list, and it’s not exhaustive (so I apologize if I accidentally left you off), of all those who in some way, supported me along the way:

Lyndsy, Frank, Adam Stafford, Eleanor Finger, Frances Keene, Martha Glass, Jamie Penven, my parents and family, Lyndsy’s parents and family (especially Brenda!), Claire Robbins, Patty Perillo, David and Wendy Chinn, Joe Racek, Crystal Fink, Lucas Johnson, Suzie Baker, Delight Yokely, Nicole Johnson, Sam Albimino, my church family, my neighbors…

All those people, plus many more, are playing a role in my education.

My Family celebrated my success. Heath was represented by a pic from my phone.

I’m certainly thankful to have completed my exams and to have done them so well. Not passing the exams in September, certainly contributed to my success. As I stated in my first post, “Fail Faster,” it is through (sometimes repeated) failure that can often lead to success. The key is embracing that failure and using that new knowledge to help garner success.
This experience is still very fresh. I can’t honestly say that I am completely comfortable with how things played out and I don’t think I’ve finished reflecting on it. Yes, it would have been much nicer to have passed the exam the first time. Maybe with time I will realize how much I have learned from this experience and appreciate it more. Now, I will celebrate this success, and use it for motivation to reach my next goal…a successful dissertation defense!

For those curious of my next step, I’m officially ABD – all but dissertation. First I need to solidify my dissertation chair and my topic. From there I work towards developing my prospectus, which is the first three chapters of my dissertation (introduction, literature review, and methodology). I then defend my prospectus in front of my committee. After a successful defense, I will have permission to collect my data and analyze it and develop my conclusions – which are chapters three and four. I then have my dissertation defense. Unlike my prelim defense, I will not have a prospectus or dissertation defense until my chair is confident that I will pass.

Ideally all these steps will happen in the next year to allow me to graduate next May. However, for many students the dissertation phase is quite challenging because for their first time ever in their academic career, they don’t have deadlines (tests, assignments, etc.) that they have to meet. I’m going to strive to develop and keep aschedule and work with a few colleagues to hold each other accountable. While the dissertation is a major undertaking, the finish line is much closer than it was in August 2011. Marching forward…

*I'm having a hard time getting the links to work correctly.  Here are the two posts referenced:
Post 1:  http://jonathanandlyndsy.blogspot.com/2013/09/fail-faster.html
Post 2:  http://jonathanandlyndsy.blogspot.com/2014/01/battered-but-in-arena-reflections-on-my.html

Battered, but in the Arena: Reflections on My Prelim Journey

Hi friends, its me, Jonathan, here.  The less vocal member of the Manz Fam blog.  As I prepare to enter round 2 of prelims, I thought I would reflect what I have learned so far from my unsuccessful first attempt in August and September.   For context, see this post.  Since my stomach began to turn a little as I started writing this post, I can tell that I am still processing it and have a range of emotions. 

Since I started my last post with a Brené Brown quote, I think it is fitting start with another here…well technically it is a quote of a quote from her book Daring Greatly:

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

Because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

Who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…

            -Theodore Roosevelt

First and foremost, I continue to remember how much I’m loved.  My wife who offers endless support, who helps me set and keep goals, and keeps me focused.  Heath, who loves me simply as “daddy” and where titles and degrees have no meaning for him.  He’s just looking for me to be a good “snuggle buddy.”  My parents who continue to offer physical support by coming to town and helping run the household during our busiest time periods.  And my mother-in-law who excitedly created and helped disburse Team Jonathan bracelets and I’m pretty sure I hear her praying all the way from California to Virginia. 

Since September I formed a practice prelim committee.  The idea was to replicate the writing and oral exam experience again for practice (you know, I have to take the prelims for a second time, why not simulate a third time just for kicks).   I’m extremely grateful for Frank, Jamie, Frances, and Martha who took the time to each offer a practice prelim question, review all my responses, and then prepare themselves to facilitate a practice oral exam.   

So this is where I stand at the moment.  The written prelims are January 23^rd and 24^th.  My oral exam is 9:00am on February 20^th.  Somewhere in between those dates a baby is due to arrive.  I’ve continued to prepare all fall for prelims, but it has been a little tougher.  One, I’m a little drained.  I started this process in April and never dreamed that I would still be preparing in January.  Deep down, I still have some nagging doubt that likes to rear its head every once and awhile and say “you’re not capable of passing this thing.”  What if I emerge from the arena not with “the triumph high achievement,” but instead with failure?

On the other side, I feel much more calm going into the written exams than I did last time.  Somewhat strangely calm.  It’s a weird juxtaposition – to have a balance between fear and calmness. 

So I don’t know what the next month and a half has to hold for me.  I’m really working hard on not letting my identity be tied to my achievements or lack thereof.  But that isn’t easy.  I do know that I will get the joy of welcoming a new baby into the world!  My family – that is something I can proudly associate with my identity. 

Blessing and Curses

This morning's message at church was under the umbrella of our series on 'Blessing.' Going the non-traditional route, our speaker chose to talk about how God's blessings can sometimes feel like curses. We looked at the close alignment in Scripture of these two juxtaposed ideas of blessing and curse, specific to the desert wanderers in Deuteronomy. Steve shared something that I've heard before, but was a needed reminder in this life season, that 'sometimes God blesses us by not giving us what we want.'

I feel like in a lot of ways I am still mourning the outcome of J's prelims last month. It's been a tough position to be in as sojourner/partner in marriage and in the PhD program. I want to continue providing my support as Team Jonathan moves ahead, while also not ignoring my feelings of disappointment. And it seems like there are more ways that arise for me as a reminder of that loss than say for Team Cheerleader, my mom in California. Whether it is an additional study session for J during the work day or a late night reading time- the prep stage that I had thought was going to be done in September is ongoing... until January 23rd and 24th when the written retake is.

So as I reflected this morning on the juxtaposition of what feels like a curse in my hoped-for timeline, I counted my blessings in this season. I am ~25 weeks along in a healthy pregnancy carrying a beautiful baby girl (we got to see her on an ultrasound scan two weeks ago, she is lovely). After experiencing a miscarriage earlier this year, I am keenly aware of how God has blessed us with this pregnancy. Viewing baby girl on the screen this month and measuring every single healthy bone and heart chamber and brain hemisphere was a wonderful assurance of God's provision.

So when I think about the prelim retake in late January and a due window of late January to mid-February it is really easy for me to forget the blessing of the healthy growing baby inside me and instead view the curse of the calendar. I was reading through my reflections back in the spring after the miscarriage and how hopeful I felt, trusting that this would not be the end of our story. And I think I stand in that same place today- not knowing at all how the story will be written, but trusting that blessing will come out of this season in our life. I hope that when both Jonathan and I share our vulnerability and reflections with each other and with our community, we are living out this Henri Nouwen quote “In true community we are windows offering each other new views on the mystery of God’s presence in our lives.”
 

Heath is pretty excited for 'baby sister' to join the family. Maybe she will bring good luck with her for next season!

Team Jonathan: Flair has arrived

If you know my mom this post is going to make a lot of sense, and if you don't - you are still probably going to grin.

If you didn't catch Jonathan's update a few weeks ago regarding his prelims, I'd float back and read that for some context. Since he shared privately with friends and publicly with the blog we have both received wonderful support and affirmation from family and friends, local and across the US.

I describe to people who have not met my mom as 'the perpetual cheerleader, not the spacey dancing kind, but the rah-rah support your team kind.' She has always been blessed with positivity and energy and runs on virtually no sleep.

So two weeks ago on a Saturday morning ~8am in Virginia, Jonathan received a text message from my mom in California (awake at 4:58am):
B: Woke up with idea of orange team Jonathan wristbands. A silent/prayerful/daily reminder for your family/friends/team! Your thoughts? I'll get it done. Back to bed, maybe sleep :) Brenda
J: Haha, cool idea. Now you are awake way too early get some sleep.

Jonathan did not tell me about this message having thought that my mom was joking and/or it was just early and forgot about the conversation. So two days later we were in the car and he started laughing out loud surprised to have just received this text update from my mom:
B: Team Jonathan to arrive in Fresno 7 days. 200. How many to you? Would your parents send them out to your family? I'll send to Henks. Very excited :)

It was at this point that J decided to deem Brenda the cheerleading captain for Team Jonathan. The flair has arrived in Blacksburg and is ready for dispersing. If you'd like a physical reminder to aid in your support of the PhD journey, let us know! And if you are in Fresno- see Brenda :)

Baby Hugo is on Team Jonathan

Fail Faster

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection." – Brené Brown

This is a rare post from me (Jonathan).  As I try to heal from a tough experience as the future of my academic career hangs in the balance, here are my thoughts and feelings.

As you enter the architecture building at Virginia Tech you are greeted by a sign stating “fail faster.”  In the architecture program, faculty realize that great designs come from insights of repeated failures.  So they impart on their students to simply fail faster. 

One of the major milestones in my PhD program is the prelim exam.  A satisfactory performance in the prelims allows the student to enter into candidacy.  These exams consist of two, eight hour days of straight writing with no resources followed up by a two hour panel discussion with the student having to amend, explain, and defend his/her answers.  It is a bit of an antiquated process, but that is another discussion for another day.  In short, it is hell and it is a bit of hazing, but it is a hurdle that must be leaped. 

For me, preparations began in the spring and following Memorial Day it was a daily part of my schedule.  The studying was intense at times, but I was thankful to have my colleague and friend Delight along for the ride.  We were a great resource for each and a great support.  Tears were shed along the way and the little hair that I have became greyer. 

Three weeks ago I had my written exams.  Two days.  Two questions each day.  Eight hours of writing each day.  I was brain dead after that experience.  I kept comforting myself thinking, “thank God I never have to go through that again.”  This Tuesday I had my oral exam.  I went into the exam nervous, but feeling prepared.  After two hours of discussion with my faculty, I was excused from the room so my faculty could talk about my performance.  I paced nervously at the end of the hallway.  It felt like an hour, but probably 15 minutes later I saw the door open and one faculty leave through the door at the other end of the hall.  Then another faculty did the same.  Finally, a third faculty also left.  Finally, the chair of the exam called me back in.  She informed me that I did not pass.  I.  Had.  Failed. 

I fell apart.

I remember parts of the conversation, but my whole academic career was spinning around and I didn’t know which end was up.  When I left the building Lyndsy was there waiting for me and I just lost it.  Tuesday night was tough.  More than tough.  It absolutely sucked.  I don’t want to relive that experience ever again.  Lyndsy and I cried, mourned, and grieved.  Everything I’ve worked for so far in my PhD program doesn’t mean a thing if I don’t pass the prelims.  I kept thinking that we picked up and moved halfway across the country for this and this performance is all I have to show for it.

So I had a couple options:  1) switch from the PhD to an Ed. S. (kind of like another master’s degree) 2) transfer into a different PhD program or 3) take the prelim one more (and final) time. 

Wednesday morning I had breakfast with Frank (the legendary “Make It Happen”).  He listened intently and with sympathy.  He heard my pain from this experience and then asked what I would like from him.  I said I want your honest opinion.  He said, Jonathan, there is really only one option…take the prelim again.  You are here to earn a PhD. 

That is what I needed to hear. 

So here I am two days after the biggest defeat in my academic career.  Guarding the net, I let the winning goal go right by me.   I could hang it up and call it a good career.  But I’m not ready to retire just yet.

I have one option…and I’m all in.

Lyndsy and I have created a new plan.  I’m recruiting members to Team Jonathan (yeah, its cheesy, but just go with it).  I’m surrounding myself with people that not only are supporting me, but taking the time to help discuss a policy issue, examine an organization through a theoretical lens, or discuss the rights of students as afforded by a Constitutional amendment. 

The last thing Frank said to me was to try to find a silver lining.  I have found it.  It is simple and it was obvious.  I am loved!  I am loved by an amazing wife who cried with me and mourned with me.  I am loved by a son who showered me in ‘mooches and hugs’.  I am loved by my parents and in-laws who have supported this journey and prayed for me.  I am supported by great colleagues including two great supervisors in Frances and Martha who changed their plans at the last minute to sit and discuss this experience with me.  And by Frank who I e-mailed at 9:00 on Tuesday night and by 7:15 the next morning we were having breakfast.  I am cared for by my church family who has been praying and cheering for me since we moved here. 

'mooches

I have failed.  But the failure does not define me.  What has emerged from this experience will define me.  I am grateful for the people in my life.  And in January, I will take the exam again.  But this time I will be ready and the outcome will be different.  I have Team Jonathan on my side!