This should have been part 1 really, but I told J I was avoiding writing it. Avoiding because I'm not great at talking about my faith in public forums and I always value creating an inclusive community which sometimes those feel in tension to hold. But as most all things that go on the blog- this is of value for our family to document and look back on moments along our journey.
When you are experiencing a difficult season or situation, well-meaning and good-intentioned folks in your community may offer their best wishes through phrases like this: "It will all work out in the end." "God has a plan." "It wasn't meant to be."
I think that is crap.
Here is why:
First, in the world of counseling can you ever imagine a psychologist offering this kind of statement? No, and why not? Because the statements don't help the person to acknowledge the fullness of the spot they are in now. I think it is important to say things like, "this sucks." And you can stop there, period. To be in community is to empathetically share in the ups and downs. It is grossly uncomfortable to be with someone in their grief, disappointment or heartache. I get it. I struggle myself to not word vomit to avoid my uncomfortableness, but just be present.
Good friends have been through a terrible journey of loosing their baby and having to deliver late in the third trimester. There are just no words to capture the grief. As I offered up prayers even those words felt inadequate. The phrase that I would pray for and over them was 'God be near, Christ be near.' That was it. I stood next to them, physically when they came to church the next Sunday.
My personal experience in hard times is that I want people to be near, but to not stay stupid things. That's a hard thing to ask, because we are human and filling up voids with stupid words is a bit too natural. I appreciated the pastor who spoke at this little one's memorial service and proclaimed that this was not part of God's plan- God does not wish for nor plan for tragedy like this to happen. I get that this is a hard juxtaposition to hold for an omniscient God.
Edit: Thanks to my friend Erin for sharing this quote that I think further articulates that juxtaposition and where I find myself landing: "A lament grieves that the world is unbalanced. It grieves at the gap between reality and God's promise. It believes in a God who is there, who can act in time and space. It doesn't drift into cynicism or unbelief, but engages God passionately with what's wrong." Paul E. Miller
The second reason those phrases are hard for me to hear is because they are not in line with my theology. Those phrases point towards a logical map of steps that have to be taken in order to be within God's will or plan. I don't believe God works on that narrow of a track, with a treasure map that is hidden and we are digging holes in the sand trying to find- sometimes hitting or missing the mark. I value taking the macro-view of God's design for me as part of creation and the purpose for which I can grow into and fill. The job search when looked at through this lens, becomes empowering and sparks my curiosity for any number of ways I could live life fully within or out of higher education as vocational calling.
I really appreciate getting to connect with Dr. Lewis (my college theology professor) this past month to talk through some of these tensions. He just has this wonderful way of demonstrating what it means to be present and articulating truths- like it is hard for people to not say phrases like the above because we don't have a good theology of suffering; there are a lot of benefits from feeling bad in life; God is bigger than the box we try to put him in; there is not a magic door that we are waiting for to open, that is where discernment comes in.
So one way in which I've grown on this journey is to be cognizant of the times I am filling up spaces with unnecessary (and sometimes hurtful) words. I've been challenged to think how well I listen and practice the art of being. I've also been enjoying some reading of the Jesuit faith on discernment and vocation.
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